ComplainerMan

I suppose that title’s more than a bit misleading because of the lack of context. “Hard to watch but easy to enjoy” would be a much more fitting description. I can warn you ahead of time that this movie has both Emily Browning and Arielle Kebbel in it constantly wearing cute outfits and constantly having the camera zoom to see what’s going on with their face. Normally that’d be annoying, but since they’re probably the most adorable actresses I know (aside from Chiaki Kuriyama), the entire movie was more than tolerable.

First thing to cover, The Uninvited is an American rendition of the Korean psychological horror film, Tale of Two Sisters. I’ve seen both of these movies, and my professional movie reviewer opinion is that The Uninvited’s plot is much easier to comprehend. Amazingly enough, it doesn’t take a hit to quality as a result of its transition, which is really quite the milestone in modern films.

Anna Rydell (Browning) is a fifteen year old girl who is returning from a mental hospital after being treated for delusional behavior and suicidal tendencies. Alex (Kebbel) is her sister and best friend, the one who’s unconditionally loving and trusting. Steven, the father, is rather aloof and cold since the death of his wife, even after he gets together with a woman named Rachel. Anna doesn’t like her much. In fact, as the movie progresses, they try to kill eachother. But more on that in a bit.

As this is a horror flick, Anna is haunted by images of her dying mother (among other things). Once upon a darker time, her disabled and resented mom was kept in a boathouse with a bell tied to her wrist. Whenever she rang, Anna or Alex would come to help her. A great explosive tragedy befell her, however, taking her life. As Anna and Alex gradually delve deeper into the enigmatic past of Rachel, they begin to suspect her of murder. Not only of their mother,  but of three children as well, all of whom haunt Anna in sleep and in the waking as freaky spirit things.

It doesn’t take long for Anna’s sympathetic boyfriend to get dragged into this as well. After a set of brief encounters, he joins the ranks of the shadowy, twisted revenants Rachel has supposedly murdered. Because of the ambiguous nature of Anna and Alex’s suspicion, one can never be too sure what happened to him. The police said he fell off a sea cliff, which is simple enough. But what if he was pushed? What if the explosion that claimed there mother was the result of tinkering? And what of the pearl necklace that Rachel has? Does the fact that one just like it appears in an image related to the three dead kids mean anything?

Before they can draw any conclusions, though, Rachel catches wind of their research and takes it upon herself to intervene. By the exciting conclusion, you discover that there’s much more to this movie than a murder mystery. It’s much deeper, much more confusing, infinitely more psychological. If you’ve seen Tale of Two Sisters, shut up and keep the ending to yourself. It’s an awesome twist; even I don’t want to spoil it.

The horror aspect of this movie is magnificently done. The camera techniques are something to pay special attention to, because they really catalyze the tension before the scares. Either that or Emily Browning really just pulls you in with her performance. That may be me gushing, but that doesn’t mean that The Uninvited isn’t a damned good film. See it for the scares, the nostalgia of Tale of Two Sisters, or just for two of the cutest actresses in the film industry. Whichever reason, it won’t disappoint.

You think I’m joking? I watched this thing on Netflix instant-view, and I lament to say that this black and white shock-reliant film will either disgust you morally, visually, or in one or several of many other ways. That’s pretty hard nowadays, because a lot of kids have already seen people get ripped apart in Hellraiser, brutally mutilated in Hostel, gutted and hung in Scream, so on and so forth. All the same, this film managed to bother one of the most jaded people I know: Me. I thought that was impossible.

Martin is an obese bug-eyed security guard who was molested repeatedly by his father. He saw the film The Human Centipede and grew obsessed with it. So, he began bashing people’s heads in with crowbars, kidnapping them, stripping them naked, and storing them in a shoddy warehouse. Teenagers, parents, hookers, metal-heads, businessmen, even a pregnant woman. Yeah, they definitely exploit her for shock. I’ll get to that. He even tricks one of the original actresses from Human Centipede into coming to his warehouse by offering her a role in a phony Tarantino film.

You know what, I’m going to cover all the extreme shock parts of the film right now, just so you’ll know for certain as to whether or not you want to see this. This is the LIST OF NASTIES:

• Martin masturbates with sandpaper. You don’t see much, thank god.
• Martin shatters his mother’s skull with a crowbar. Very graphic.
• Martin cuts his victim’s knee ligaments with a kitchen knife and scissors.
• Martin smashes his victims’ teeth in with a hammer.
• Martin staple-guns his victims, mouth to anus.
• Martin force-feeds the actress by shoving a tube down her throat.
• Oh, and he rips her tongue out with pliers, too.
• Martin injects everyone with laxatives and has a shit party, then vomits.
• Martin rapes the person in the back of the human centipede.
• The pregnant woman starts to go into labor and escapes into a car, where she gives birth. Then she crushes the infant’s head by flooring the gas.
• Martin has a centipede inserted into his ass.
• Martin gets mad and kills literally everyone by shooting them in the head or sawing their heads off with a kitchen knife, pregnant woman aside.
• Martin doesn’t even die. He just gets ready to start it all again.

Do… I really need to go on? This movie is probably one of the worst things you’ll ever see, unless you’re into scat fetishism, killing newborns, genital mutilation, and crude surgeries. I won’t judge you, you can like what you like, but I personally found this movie to be a disgusting black and white artistic statement on just how low movies are willing to sink to get  your attention.

That’s all I have to say. Please don’t get this movie. Please? There are better things to do in the world than sit and watch this disgusting spectacle.

You’ll be wanting to watch this monochrome… uh, classic… over and over again. It’s got coherent, it’s linear, it obeys the rules of life and death, and it brings you back to the glory of the silver screen with flash and pride. It’s definitely one of the greatest and known movies in cinematic history. You’d have to be living under a rock not to know what Eraserhead is… yeah.

Okay, so everything I said was a complete lie. Don’t worry, it still counts towards the reviewing. Just take everything I said, reverse it, and you’ll have yourself the perfect review of this scary as hell monochrome catastrophe. Before I continue with this less than gracious explanation, I’ll admit that I still don’t fully understand what this movie means.

Henry Spencer is a man who lives in a super-industrialized futuristic (I guess) city, relatively near his girlfriend Mary X. God, doing a plot synopsis is going to be so hard… I could just tell you that Henry and Mary had sex, and Mary gave birth to a mutant baby. Mary started to lose her mind out of stress, so she left Henry alone to care for the child. Eventually, the really weird things that were already happening started to make him hate the baby, so he stabbed it to death. That’s the plot.

But the plot’s not what the movie’s about, fortunately enough for you. This is a surrealist movie, which means most of the stuff that goes on is solely there to confuse you while the filmmaker smiles and laughs. The good news is, the title is explained through this, so… there’s always that to look forward to. I’m note entirely sure how to describe the surreal events that occur, but it’s better that I give you a description at-length to prepare you for what this movie contains.

The lady in the radiator seems to play a huge part in the movie, it seems. Her cheeks are abnormally large and clumpy, and she’s good at doing little dances. She does sideways steps, until eventually little… Okay, they look like sperm. Little sperm-ish things fall from the ceiling, and she stomps them to death, looking sweet as can be. She sings a short song about heaven the next time you see her, and hugs Henry after he stabs his baby to death, causing it to erupt into a four foot tall pillar of foam.

Had enough? It hasn’t even begun. At dinner with Mary X’s family, the fist-sized chickens crap out a pool of blood while Mrs. X makes strange guttural sounds until the chicken ass-spewing stops. Mr. X stares at Henry the entire time with bedroom eyes. I think this might be the reason Mary X moves in with Henry. Just saying.

So how did the movie come to be called fricken Eraserhead, then, if it’s all about random events and crap? Simple. During a dream sequence, Henry is on stage and staring at different versions of himself, until suddenly his head pops off and is replaced by the baby’s head. HIS head rolls away and is found by a boy who turns it in to a pencil factory. The guy at the pencil factory grinds his head up and uses it to make an eraser, which works incredibly well. And yet, Henry’s head is fine. It’s fine when he goes back to his room full of dirt piles. Modern art? Insanity? Who can say? Not me.

I have no idea how to make an all-encompassing statement that would apply as a conclusive analysis of Eraserhead. I suppose that in itself serves to explain just how confusing this movie is. I’m pretty sure you still have no idea what to think of it given the vague description I’ve provided you with. All I can say is, Eraserhead is a short movie, but it’ll confuse you for a lifetime. Don’t watch this if you want coherence.

Between The Prestige and The Illusionist, I’d have to say that the latter wins out every time. It’s not that I prefer Edward Norton to Christian Bale (which I totally do), it’s just that I think the twists in The Illusionist were far superior, in regards to both plot and the performance magic aspects. In The Prestige, you have two magicians squabbling constantly because one “accidentally” killed the wife of the other. The whole thing becomes a story of vengeance, which can get rather redundant. Plus The Prestige has Scarlett Johanssen, and I hate her. I really do. You should as well.

The Illusionist is a love story about Eisenhower, the son of a cabinetmaker and Sophie, a duchess; a mix of classes that could never happen in the turn-of-the-century Vienna time period. In his youth, Eisenhower encountered a traveling magician that showed him a few tricks before vanishing, along with the tree he sat under.

That spurred the lad to pursue a life of magic as well, in hopes that he could make such amazing things happen. Sophie meets him during one of his father’s transactions, and they share some innocent interactions of their own. Eisenhower makes her a special puzzle locket that, when properly twisted, opens to reveal a picture of him. This romantic daydream doesn’t last long, though, as Sophie’s family wouldn’t have her associating with lesser classes.

The bulk of the story comes from Eisenhower’s scheme. Long after their childhood encounter, Eisenhower meets Sophie again at one of his performances, only to discover that she’s to be married to Prince Leopold. Supposedly, Leopold was known for his abusive tendencies towards women, and for taking the crueler aspects of dictatorship to heart. He planned to overthrow his aging father and usurp the throne for himself, a means to be rid of the hopes of democracy.

Chief Inspector Uhl is ordered by Leopold to follow Eisenhower and Sophie, as he suspects they’re romantically involved. When Uhl confirms this, Leopold gets incredibly drunk and confronts Sophie, who after a struggle is found on the edge of a lake with a slash wound on her neck. Eisenhower’s plot begins.

Stricken with sorrow and loss, Eisenhower begins a new kind of performance, one in which he begins to contact the dead, or so it would seem. During a performance in which Leopold watches disguised, Eisenhower raises the spirit of Sophie herself, who says her killer is in the hall with her. It is after Leopold orders the illusionist’s arrest that Eisenhower simply vanishes.

Later on, we discover that Uhl has both found evidence that Leopold was linked to Sophie’s murder, and that Leopold was planning on claiming the Austro-Hungarian throne for his own. The Emperor’s army soon arrives to remedy the situation, but not before something very interesting happens.

This is where I cut off, unfortunately. What I like about this movie is that the grand, twisted, enigmatic plot all comes together in the end, which means my synopsis can be much fuller without giving away any essential spoiler information. I guarantee that if you do see The Illusionist, the ending will pull it all the threads of event together into an intertwined ball of whoa and applaud. Better than Christian Bale’s magic thing, anyway… Don’t watch this after seeing Fight Club, though. Only suggestion.

You’re lucky I decided to be mature about this and title it the way I did. If I hadn’t had that moment of clarity, the title would be “Shitter Island vs. Incraption.”

I think it was definitely a mistake to see Shutter Island before seeing Inception. Maybe seeing both of them was a mistake in itself. A lot of people say Leonardo DiCaprio is an excellent actor, but these two movies sorta sucked the agreement out of me. While it is true that these are the only Leo DiCaprio movies I’ve seen and my perspective is rather limited, I do believe I’m justified when I say he plays the same character in both. Tweaks and twists here and there, but overall annoyingly similar.

Shutter Island: Leo plays a delusional mental patient who thinks he’s a detective investigating an institution for the absence of another patient. He keeps hallucinating and seeing his wife, his children, and other horrifying images on the hunt, but keeps these things to himself. He starts to catch on to a self-made conspiracy in which he’s part of a big experimental brain surgery scandal, only to find out that it was just the head psychiatrist trying to make him confront reality be seeing the falsehood in his own delusions. It turns out his wife was crazy and killed his kids, then he went crazy and killed her. Kind of a let-down ending. I’m not spoiling anything important.

Inception: Leo plays a man who’s wanted for the murder of his own wife because she went crazy and set it up to look like he did it. As it turns out, he actually did. He used Inception and dream-sharing to plant an idea in her head that her world wasn’t real, and she needed to kill herself to wake up. He did this to get the both of them out of subconsciousness, which was a good reason enough, but he sort of botched it. Anyway, throughout the movie, projections of his wife constantly appear and ruin all the plans he tries to make because he’s in denial and wracked with guilt. Sound similar? Yeah. You bet it does. In the conclusion, he has a catharsis and admits to the projected her what he did. And she gets mad, he still feels bad about it, and the ending is ambiguous.

You see the point I’m trying to make, though, right? That Inception and Shutter Island are basically two movies in which Leo plays a crazy, haunted fella who accidentally kills his crazy wife? Because it’s a little obnoxious to have to listen to him bitch and moan about his dark and brooding past, or have it bitched and moaned to him. Redundant, don’t you know.

The sci-fi aspect of Inception was rather intriguing, though, as were the musical scores used throughout. I must admit, I was both pleased and disappointed with the ways they bent and shaped the subconscious. I know Leo is used to playing in rather realistic movies, so throwing in anything truly subconscious, namely flight, really strange images, weapons, whatever, wouldn’t exactly be up his alley. Which is a shame, because if you think about it, using the dreaming mind to its fullest, nonrealistic extent would have made the movie so much more interesting.

Yes, they were trying to be convincingly realistic to a guy so they could break into his mind and do some Inception. But as Eames so indelicately put it, “You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger.” In context, he was talking about his grenade launcher versus Arthur’s classy assault rifle, but my point still stands. They could have had laser guns. Just saying. Just saying that the movie came off as an action thriller with some vague aspects of subconsciousness in it. Kinda like the dreaming part was essential though still thrown in there to make everything fancier.

Well, Shutter Island sure ate up a fair bit of this review. I think it’s safe to say that those looking to be impressed (or the easily impressed) will be impressed by both of these movies. Inception more so than Shutter Island, because the latter has a bit of an anti-climactic ending, though I personally found it to be rather satisfying. You can watch them if you want, but for the love of everything, only watch one. If you see both, you’ll be plagued by the exact same general disliking of Leo DiCaprio that I’ve described.

Okay, so this movie kinda sucks in several areas. I’ll admit that much before I even get into the whole critical review aspect of it. It falls into the category of “Movies You’d Watch When You Can’t Think of Anything Else.” Its uniqueness comes entirely from the fact that it’s a zombie movie without zombies. Does that sound impressive? Then you’re easily impressed. Zing!

The basis behind this government-plays-god apocalypse is that the government was transporting a settlement destabilization bio-weapon to be incinerated, and their plane goes down. Into a small town’s water source. So, the government decides to quarantine the place and systematically kill everyone who’s infected. When that inevitably fails because they don’t inform their soldiers what to expect, they decide to just nuke the site and quarantine whatever areas the survivors escape to.

Because the government has infinite money to spend on this kind of thing, and they can do that without alerting the rest of the country that they just used a nuclear bomb to cover up one of their oopsies. No, that’s okay. Go ahead. Say it out loud. Repeat after me: “What. A load. Of bull fricken’ horse shit.” Doesn’t it feel so right?

Well… crap. That’s the entire macro-plot. I guess I could describe the micro-plot with all the “deep characters” and “rich development,” because that would help to further convince you only to watch this movie ironically. Okay fine! Micro-plot ahoy.

David’s the sheriff, and Judy’s his doctor wife. One day while David’s watching a baseball game, he sees Rory, the town drunk, come onto the field with a shotgun in his hands. Rory behaves very strangely, as if he’s not aware of where he is, and then begins to act aggressively, forcing David to shoot and kill him. This kicks off the series of morbid and strange events that occur in the little town, such as a man burning his house down with his wife and son inside.

Eventually, the place is quarantined and people are tested for infection. Those who show signs of infection are sent to the high school for holding and testing, while those who aren’t are immediately transported out of town. That was the plan, at least. The infected break apart the military operation and start killing everyone. Though David and his deputy Russel were separated from Judy, who was taken to the high school (feverish due to her pregnancy), they are soon reunited. Several others tag along with the crew, but they all wind up dying, so who cares about them.

They fight off a few infected people at a time, sometimes facing traps or shootouts or knife fights, barely managing to survive each time. By the end, the Crazies have killed everyone but- suprise! David and Judy! You know, the two main characters. Judy’s all “Oh my god I’m so scared I can’t do this we’re gonna die,” then David, being all manly and goddamned annoying, says, “Well, I’ll sit here and die with you if that’s what you want, because it seems like that’s what you want.” I hate them both.

They steal a semi-truck and the nuke flings it about a quarter mile, spinning and tumbling. They escape with a few cuts. They don’t get blinded by the explosion when they look directly at it. They don’t suffer any radiation poisoning. Then they go to a big city and spread the infection there, as I said.

This movie isn’t very good. I’d go so far as to say that I didn’t like it. Still, it’s something to watch if you’re not a huge critic and don’t mind lowering your standards a bit. Might be worth it in the end, but that depends how much you love the zombie genre. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Tekkonkinkreet is very deceptive. The cover makes it look like a kids’ story about two cheerful boys who spend all their time running around a ragged city, having a grand old time. This is incredibly and mind-numbingly incorrect. This movie contains bloody violence, people being shot, people being bashed with poles, burned alive, stabbed with shortswords, and generally transported to places of physical discomfort.

Black and White are two street urchins that make up a gang known as the Cats. Black is savvy, bold, and harsh, while his counterpart, White, is a regular innocent daydreamer. In the run-down city of Treasure Town, they fight to control a turf they call theirs, fending off other gangs, yakuza… even aliens. Several characters in particular are of great importance to the plot and subplot, so they get initial coverage.

Kimura is a young member of the yakuza group trying to claim Treasure Town. He’s spent a fair portion of his life doing dirty work, and he’s starting to grow sick of all the crime. He wants to abandon the yakuza and travel somewhere far away with his pregnant wife, but fate won’t have it. Poor guy.

The Rat is a mob boss that Kimura works under; a sort of world-weary father figure who’s on his last legs, just trying to do what he can for his organization before his time is up. Surprisingly, he comes off as a very positive protagonist helper sort of character, which makes the impact of what happens to him all the more powerful.

Snake is the antagonist here. He represents an enigmatic though incredibly powerful organization that wants to change Treasure Town into a huge amusement park called Kiddie Kastle. In order to do that, however, he needs to have all competition put down. He uses Kimura and his two alien assassins to strike out against the Cats and the yakuza, deciding that the only way to get them out of the way is to kill them.

Snake is the basis of the plot, because it’s he who uses Kimura’s wife as leverage and orders him to kill his old boss. It’s he who has his two alien assassins try to take the lives of Black and White by gun and blade. This contributes to a fairly terrifying development in Black.

Within Black is a demon referred to as the Minotaur; a creature of impossible darkness and power that is kept in check by the purifying presence of White. When an assassination attempt pulls Black and White apart, everything starts to look bleak. Black finds the strength to murder the two assassins with whimsical ease, but where his physical struggle ends, his mental struggle begins…

That’s about all I can tell you about the plot. Tekkonkinkreet is a very surreal anime movie, one with a unique art style and tone that you really can’t find anywhere else. Many of you will notice an obvious focus towards visual appeal, which may very well have taken away from the complexity of the plot and characters. From a neutral standpoint, I believe that Tekkonkinkreet is a great movie with a lot to offer to its audience, from plot to characters and shiny backgrounds.

Also worth mentioning is that Tekkonkinkreet is a three volume manga series. For those of you who’ve seen the movie and know that cinematics never perfectly reflect their work of origin, the manga might be a good place to turn. I hear there’s even a three-in-one graphic novel for those of you that don’t want to worry about three separate books. Whether you get the movie or the books, I’m sure you’ll enjoy them. If you get nothing, then poo on you.

Watch out, people, we got a classic on our hands! And how. Y’know, there’s a certain satisfying irony in reviewing old movies versus new movies. With new movies, I’d usually remain either neutral or negative about the special effects, blaming the focus on such as the reason for the degraded plot or half-assed characters. In old movies, the effects are rarely more complicated than some low-resolution on-screen lightning or puppets that look nothing like the actor they’re meant to represent. Or even stop-motion animation! It’s really quite marvelous, I do declare. The irony is in the fact that I like and notice the crappy effects more than I do the newer, fancier ones. Why? I couldn’t say.

The plot of this movie, dear readers, is a perfect example of why you don’t play with time. Paradoxes arise, the impossible is pointed out, and everyone scratches their head and shouts plot hole. In this particular case, Sarah Connor is to give birth to John Connor, who leads the human resistance to victory against the machines in the future when robots try to wipe out the human race. Future John Connor sends back Kyle Reese, his father (and Sarah’s short-term lover), in hopes of protecting Sarah. You know, because if Sarah and Kyle don’t get freaky, John will have never been born and will never have led the human resistance to victory.

But of course, if Kyle is from the future, so how the heck did he originally hook up with Sarah in the first place? How could John have initially sent Kyle back if he was never born? If Kyle had no idea he was John Connor’s father and was his age at the time of the resistance? Technically, that would be entirely impossible. The movie acts as though the initial events are irrelevant to the overall timeloop, which sort of leaves the audience… you know, scratching their heads and shouting plot hole.

Point being, the whole movie is about Sarah and Kyle falling in love, running away from Arnold Schwarzenegger, and getting John made so the sequels could happen. I mean, that’s really all it is.

It starts off as Sarah Connor finding out that someone’s been killing all the Sarah Connors in the phonebook for whatever reason, warning her that she’s bound to be next. Kyle manages to get to her first before AHNOLD riddles her with bullets, and the sappy dramatic future-past romance story blossoms and blooms and… Yeah. And Terminator followed them every step of the way. The thing that made the Terminator so scary was that he just kept on coming back no matter how many times he got exploded or smashed. Good thrills indeed.

Now, for lack of anything more relevant and important to talk about, I shall speak on the amazing old-fashioned special effects that I love so very much! And the other movie goofs that just make Terminator so great. First off, obvious stunt doubles. If you’re not caught up in the action, you’ll realize that every time Kyle or Termie take a punch, it’s really not them. Heh. And let’s not forget that puppet of Termie as he cuts his eye out. It’s like, whoa, maybe that could be Arnold if he actually was a robot and looked extra effeminate.

I don’t think I need to ramble on any further to further prove just how old this movie is. Check IMDB for all the goofs; good for a laugh. On the whole, though, Terminator is a pretty good movie. As a standalone, it’s rather lacking and lame, but because it’s the first of many Terminator sequels and spin-offs, it earns a 50% bonus on its quality score. It’s definitely not just me thinking that older movies are better just because they’re the originals. Fortunately for you, goldie oldies are always turned DVD, so you can pick Terminator up at Rasputin’s, Netflix it, Amazon, whatever. It’s probably dirty cheap, so go get it.

I’m not sure just how to categorize this epic seafaring fantasy adventure. Oh wait, I think I just did. Of course, I forgot the odd comedic aspect, but you’d have figured that out eventually. Cabin Boy is a Chris Elliot movie, and by defining the movie by this particular actor, you should know that it is very silly in very strange ways, such as big, fatass floatin’ cupcakes that spit tobacco, and a half-man half-shark. But enough about that; it’s plot time.

Nathaniel Mayweather is a graduate of the Fancy-Lad Finishing School. He’s also a complete condescending prick, ready to lay down the giddily delivered hurt at a moment’s notice. Speaking of notice, he isn’t even aware that he’s such an ass. He isn’t aware of a lot of things, really, considering he’s a rich sheltered boy. If he annoys you, it’s probably for the better. He gets what’s coming to him and undergoes a very giggly set of character developments later on.

Now that’s Nathaniel’s done with school, he’s taking a limo ride to the docks, where he’ll board the Queen Catherine luxury yacht and travel to Hawaii. His father owns a chain of Hawaiian hotels, and Nathaniel is supposed to take them over and live the comfy life in the tropics. But, our dear protagonist whines and orders the driver around so much that he gets kicked out and is forced to walk to the dock. Due to an unfortunate cow incident, he winds up on the wrong dock. His condescending nature earns him some false information that leads him to the “Queen Catherine,” a ratty little fishing boat called the Filthy Whore.

There are far too many shenanigans to cover them all, so the abridged version of this incident is that he is stuck on the little boat for a while and eventually tries to convince an impossibly stupid crewman, Kenny to take him to Hawaii. It doesn’t quite work, as poor stupid Kenny falls off the boat and drowns, leaving Nathaniel to be the new cabin boy, and leaving the boat to the mercy of the fabled sea of Hell’s Bucket.

Of course, the crew hates Nathaniel to death, and tries to come up with a plan to let him die of exposure and starvation. On a little raft a few miles back, Nathaniel is supposed to be scouting for something, though he isn’t told what. All he knows is that he’s out of chocolate milk, his bread is moldy, and that cooking oil is definitely not nature’s moisturizer. In a bout of insanity, he jumps into the ocean, but is saved by none other than the half-shark man Chalky, who starts to follow their boat.

Around this time Melora Walters comes in, playing the swimmer known as Trina, whose dream is to swim around the entire world. Unfortunately, Melora isn’t exactly the most convincing actress. Some of her lines will makes you cringe and run away, particularly later on. She doesn’t really provide a lot to the plot, aside from being a girl that Nathaniel gets smitten with. The problem is, you can’t tell if she’s acting horribly because the movie has a very silly tone to it, or if she’s just bad. I vote for the latter, sadly.

Anyway, she’s the one who spurs Nathaniel to climb the highest mountain on Hell’s Bucket’s only island, fiddling with an eight armed blue woman who helps him become a man. Then her giant husband comes in, gets jealous, and tries to kill everyone on the Filthy Whore, forcing Nathaniel to ride Trina like a seahorse (literally, he stands on her back with reigns while she swims. It’s really funny) over to the huge bastard and fight him to the death.

This is an underrated movie. It’s great fun with stupid humor that anyone who doesn’t have a stick of their hindquarters would adore. If for no other reason, see Cabin Boy for Chris Elliot. 1994 is the new 2012, so go get it on DVD.

I’m not apologizing for that pun. Ever.

Before there was Alien versus Predator, and Alien versus Jason, and Jason versus Jesus and Cthulu and shit, there was the original movie. The movie that was likeable, original, and didn’t need to play off prestige to be watched. This is one of those movies. One of those VHS tapes that you really missed after your VCR ate it up. You got it on DVD, but without that film grain, it’s really not the same. I know how you feel, and this is the review of the good old-fashioned original Alien movie. Classics rock.

This is generally the movie that got us 1990’s babies noticing Sigourney Weaver and her film career. When we see her in Ghostbusters, or on Avatar, we’re not taking her for the role she’s playing. Oh no. We’re remembering how she “blew the alien out of that goddamned airlock.” The Alien series is what provides Sigourney with all her crowning moments of badass, in my perspective. Let’s do a quick rundown of the plot of Alien.

The deep space mining vessel, Nostromo, jolts its crew of 7 awake after detecting a mysterious distress signal on a desolate planet. Three are sent out to investigate, and they discover a crashed alien ship that has been infested with a vast quantity of unusual eggs. While investigating, one of the crew members, Kane, is afflicted with one of the parasitic newborns from said eggs. With finger-like limbs, it grips his skull, and maintains this cling with its incredibly muscular tail. While feeding him oxygen via two breathing sacs, it delivers a special infant alien into his stomach, where it gestates and grows. Little to the rest of the crew’s knowledge, of course.

What they do discover is that the little face-hugger has concentrated acid for blood, making removing it equivalent to sentencing both it and its host to a horrible death. Amazing, right? A while after leaving, the alien seemingly dies and drops off of Kane’s face of its own accord, leaving him dazed but apparently okay. It doesn’t take long for the worm-form of the alien to explode out of his chest during a meal, scaring everyone to death and (you don’t have to guess) killing the crap out of Kane.

Up to this point, all of the characters seem to play rather neutral roles, no-one really coming off as the obvious survivor type. Personally, I find that rather admirable of the makers of this film. It doesn’t focus specifically on one survivor archetype while leading the rest into gruesome and obviously pre-meditated (in the obligatory film sense) deaths. It’s interesting and exciting because every single death matters. While Dallas, the captain of the ship, may seem to be the heroic and assertive space-warrior that conquers all adversity, he meets an unfortunate end while scouting out for the grown alien in the ventilation shafts.

You know, I was considering not disclosing the spoiler regarding the crew member Ash, but I’ve given enough away already, and reviewing a classic as if no one has ever seen it is akin to saying, “Hey, have any of you guys ever heard of this Twilight thing?” This actually introduces the Company, an apparently corrupt and scientifically militaristic organization hell-bent on procuring a sample of the incredibly dangerous Alien aliens. Ash is a robot sent by the Company to make sure this alien mission is a success, even if he and the entire crew dies in the process. Barely related, he gives the maintenance guy one hell of a nurple, and my god his reaction is hilarious.

If you don’t remember any of that, it’s either been too long since you’ve last seen it, you don’t like sci-fi, or you just suck. I’m sure it isn’t that you suck. It’s an old movie, no doubt, definitely slow-paced, but worth seeing by all means. I know you young whipper-snappers like the flashy action movies with the squeaky shiny suits and doodads and whatnot, but try to respect the origins, alright?  Get it on DVD and give it a gander. You won’t be disappointed.