ComplainerMan

Resident Evil Extinction

Obviously aimed at the male 18-33 zombie movie fan, Resident Evil: Extinction features a cast of 1) tough dudes, 2) hot babes and 3) zombies. That of course doesn’t include the “final boss.” After all, the Resident Evil series of movies is based on a video game series of the same name. Expecting it to be anything other than adolescent would border on delusional.

Did I mention birds? Yes, they use a page out of the old classic by Alfred Hitchcock “The Birds.” Flocks of zombie birds killing people by pecking out their eyes is always exciting. Besides that, the movie contains the kind of T and A you would expect from Milla Jovovich. If she’s been in another type of movie, I’m certainly unaware of it.

Given it’s quite expected limitations, Resident Evil: Extinction was watchable, if you like hot babes and zombie movies. Besides the plot and the dialog, the only real lameness comes when the movie tries to depict a post apocalyptic Las Vegas, overtaken by the desert. It’s obviously a slapped together model.

Valkyrie

Tom Cruise with an eye patch. Nazis trying to kill Hitler. What is not to love about this movie? Tom Cruise with an eye patch. Nazis trying to kill Hitler. Tom Cruise can be a great actor. “Interview With a Vampire” is a great example. When playing a tough-guy Nazi, however, his annoying scientoligist arrogance takes over, and his uber-assertiveness leaves no room for anything else. He is a Nazi, after all, yet his apparent lack of compassion or sensitivity makes it difficult to believe his character is driven by remorse for Nazi atrocities.

This movie was supposedly based on a true story. The plot would have us believe that there was widespread German resistance to Hitler’s Nazi Germany based on their crimes against humanity. Forget that it only appeared after Normandy, when it was apparent they were going to lose the war. Maybe being invaded and facing a suicidal fight to the death was more incentive to turn against Hitler than anything else. I don’t know - I’m not a historian. I’m just a movie view who didn’t buy it.

The Blair Witch Project created a monster. Don’t get me wrong. The low budget horror film that started the shakey hand-held footage craze is one of my favorite horror movies. I may have seen “Blair Witch II,” but if so I don’t remember it. The copies of something that was good are never as good as the real thing.

The movie “Paranormal Activity” came out last year (2009). It was basically a lower budget “”Blair Witch,” but in a house. I rented it for Halloween because someone where I work was “freaked out” by the commercial. It sucked.

“Paranormal Entity” doesn’t even pretend to be a movie. It’s just a scam aimed at thouse stupid enough to want to buy “Paranormal Activity.” A certain percentage of those people will buy this movie by mistake. Who cares? Not me.

“Paranormal Entity” is one of those movies that is so bad, from the first line of dialog you know the only way you will enjoy it will be to make fun of it. So we did. It was still a waste of and hour 20 minutes.

What is so bad about the movie? Everything. The set is obviously an unoccupied house with cheap crap thrown in to make it look like a set. It was so ugly that it was probably the most disturbing thing in the movie. The dialog is annoyingly slow and repetetive, as if the actors were making it up as they were going along, and weren’t graced with the quickest wits. I doubt the producer, director or actors cared. They all new they were just part of a scam and were trying to get it over with ASAP. And that’s all of a review this movie deserves.

Dark Water is a 2005 “horror” movie starring the beautiful and always moody Jennifer Connolly. It’s a remake of a 2002 Japanese horror flick, called the same thing, but obviously in a different language. It is also a waste of 107 minutes of your life.

Problems:

1. It’s not scary. Unless you are OCD or hydrophopic. A lot of dirty water messing up the apartment. That’s about it.

2. No suspense. There are scenes where you could have had some startles to get your adreniline pumping at little, if they had been directed and edited properly. But apparently the director didn’t know how to do those. The DVD cover made mention of Alfred Hitchcock. Survey says: Buuzzzz.

3. Very familiar plot. Dead girl in water comes back to haunt someone. Think ”The Ring” but dull and not scary at all.

4. Stiff and phoney characters. You can’t tell if the building super is trying to be menacing, friendly or just confused. The teenage “tough guys” are as threatening as Opie and Goober.

The cast does include some good actors like John C. Reilly and Tim Roth, but they are wasted and can’t quite rise above the material. Touchstone made a profit of 19 million on the flick, so I guess the got the job done. Good work on a movie that sucked.

Babel DVD

Babel, starring Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett is the third movie in a trilogy co-written and directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu. It won the “Best Picture” Golden Globe. That shows how pretensious and shallow Hollywood establishment journalists are. Also won Oscar nominations, which is not surprising.

I checked Babel out at the library so I didn’t waste my money. Just my time. The value I got out of it was the “slice of life” from different cultures in Japan, Mexico and Morroco.

The movie itself was exploitation draped in a thin pretense. Sure they spoke different languages. Sure they were connected, but in a very contrived way. That doesn’t justify depicting a child pleasuring himself after seeing his sister naked, or a deaf Japanese school girl flashing in public, or a dying woman making out with her husband while using a bedpan. To pretend that these scenes were anything other than exploitation is hypocrisy.

Another thing I gained from seeing this movie, is confirmation that if you want to make a film that wins awards, just make the film revolve around a safe, non-controversial ”issue.” Then pour in the action, perversion and porn to sell, sell, sell!!!

Item 1 - He looks like a spy. He never looked like that in the movie.
Item 2 - The one action scene in the movie is highlighted.
Item 3 - Critics Quote: “A First Rate Spy Game” - It’s not really a spy movie, so probably taken out of context.
Item 4 - Obligatory sex scene. That was the only time he got it during the entire movie.
Item 5 - Composited image from the same action scene noted in Item 2. The plane was actually dropping aid to African refugees, not bombing them as it appears in the picture. The plane never flew over the people, they just photoshopped it so it looks like it did.

So this movie isn’t a spy movie, but it also isn’t a good movie in my opinion. It’s about a career diplomat and his beautiful firecracker young wife who gets killed by the government for trying to stop a big drug company from testing a dangerous drug on unsuspecting poor people in Africa. I wouldn’t mind seeing a good movie with that plot, but this wasn’t good. And when you are expecting to see an exciting spy movie thriller, and you see this poorly done downer of a movie, you just might complain about it on your blog. I know I did.