ComplainerMan

You know what was a wonderfully bad movie? Westworld. I know there’s not much to be gained from bashing on the plot holes of old sci-fi movies, but I never really spoke up when I first began to notice just how much they had done wrong. I’ll assume that most readers haven’t seen Westworld before, and I would like to provide said readers with an opportunity to enjoy a movie that’ll have you saying, “Wait, what?” so many times your head will explode. And then robot cowboys will come out.

That’s what Westworld is all about, you see. It’s a movie about a theme park designed to “accurately” replicate the societies of medieval Europe, the Wild West, and ancient Rome… Only all of the actors in the theme park are high-function robots! And it only costs one thousands dollars a day to stay. I’ll point out all the horrific fallacies in a moment, after I discuss the plot.

The two protagonists (whose names escape me) begin their journey to Westworld by taking a hovercar as scientists in front of beeping monitors and flashing lights call out random numbers. Are you impressed? Dazzled? Hah, of course you are. They’re doing science. After they get settled in, they discover that the hands of the robots look funny, which is how you tell them apart from humans. Got that? That’s important. They meet an unfriendly cowboy robot who really doesn’t like them, which is also equally important, seeing as he stalks them after they “kill” him in a duel the first time around.

Here’s where the plot holes start up. The scientists are walking around, talking all science-y, when somebody says, “These are robots built by robots. We don’t know how they work.” So let’s use them as theme park attractions! They even say in the advert for the movie, “Nothing can go worng.” How did that typo slip past editorial? … Uh oh.

As you may have guessed, everything goes wrong as this point. I mean EVERYTHING. Even the script-writing. Even the acting! Everything goes worng. The robots begin to attack and kill guests, so the scientists shut down the park’s power, and for some reason, the operation room is airtight. Their electrically opened doors are sealed shut for some reason, and they all end up dying of asphyxiation. Science made that room. Also, remember the stalker robot mentioned earlier? Now that he’s gone berserk, he can actually kill people. Which he does. A lot. In fact, he kills one of the two main protagonists, the one without the moustache. It’s no spoiler. The movie spoiled itself when the survivor meets a scientist who’s attempting to drive away from the park, and they have a small exchange of words, which reveals another plot hole. Science-man says that the robot that’s chasing moustache is the latest model, equipped with long-range tracking capabilities, extended battery life, thermal vision, and extreme firearm accuracy. Why would he need that if he’s not supposed to kill guests…? Science is the answer.

Anyways, the main guy finds a random vial of acid and throws it at the robot, which burns his normal vision and sets it to thermal. Moustache is chased for a bit before he lights evil cowboy robot on fire and saves the day, not before he tries to rescue a lovely damsel trapped in the Medieval World dungeon. He tries to give her a drink, but it turns out she’s a robot, so her head explodes. Gosh darn it.

So, to sum things up, Westworld is an old-fashioned movie that mixes science with the wild west and leaves no plot holes, logical fallacies, deus ex machina, anything of that sort to be criticized! It’s literally the best movie ever. Go watch it and enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling it brings you as you realize just how full of crap most of this last paragraph is.

First I’ll pose the question: Have you heard of Twilight? I’ll assume yes. Twilight’s pretty big. Think about that, though. What does Twilight have? It’s a love story with vampires and werewolves thrown in as fetish fuel. Which is… kinda gross, I suppose. Blood and fur don’t exactly do it for me. Shaun of the Dead, on the other hand, is a movie about a couple (focusing on the guy) having relationship troubles with zombies thrown in just for shits and giggles. The zombie part of the plot actually forces itself into the movie somewhere past the halfway mark. Shaun and Ed have a tough enough time noticing the undead wandering around and eating people due to their collective lackadaisical nature.

Shaun likes Liz, but Liz wants to get out and do things in the world, not just spend every day in the Winchester Tavern drinking her life away. Shaun wouldn’t mind that, and his flatmate Ed sure wouldn’t mind it. After some counseling with her flatmates Diane and David (and a rather typical comical incident where Shaun is meant to book a table at a classy restaurant and forgets), Liz splits, leaving him to his Winchestering.

They don’t really figure out that there are zombies in London until Ed finds an incredibly “drunk” girl in their backyard, and she stands up after being impaled by a pole. Okay, so there’s something going around that’s spread through bites. Can’t be zombies, though. That would be ridiculous. Absurd! Never say the zed word. Just call them “those.” That said, Shaun and Ed decide it would be a good idea to go get Shaun’s mom and girlfriend and bring them round the Winchester to lock down and keep safe until the whole thing blows over. Shaun’s unpleasant stepdad comes along too. So do a bunch of “those.” Hilarity ensues. So does horrible bloodshed.

What really makes Shaun of the Dead funny is how the characters seem hell-bent on forgetting the fact that they’re enduring a zombie apocalypse. Their capacity for distraction is limitless. Shaun keeps trying to get Liz back, Liz is still struggling with whether or not she wants to take Shaun back, Ed keeps doing his own thing and attracting zombies in one way or another, David won’t stop complaining, Diane hardly seems to care, and Shaun’s mom doesn’t seem to have any idea there’re zombies around. The only one who seems to actually know what she’s doing is Shaun’s old friend Yvonne, and she only shows up three very brief times in the movie. Who cares about actually trying to survive, right?

That’s also what makes you want to go back and watch it again. Resident Evil has mutant zombies and evil organizations, Dawn of the Dead has gun-toting realistic survivors, 28 Days Later had the RAGE inflicted quasi-zombies… It’s all so dark and morbid. Sometimes, you just want to look at the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and say, “Gee, I sure wish there was a hilarious British parody of this whole zombie craze.” I’ve got some good news for you. There is: Shaun of the Dead. Any zombie freak would like it. I did. Go buy it and watch it and have yourself a good-natured chuckle.

It’s not that I’m so modern that I can’t help but to make fun of the effects in older movies. It’s not that I like negatively reviewing the first movie in a series that kicks everything off into. I just really like bad horror movies. And that’s not even a negative comment! Bad horror movies are practically their own genre. It’s like, every time you’ve seen a grody, nasty movie with nudity and viscera yet never seem to feel sick or spooked, that’s a bad horror movie. It’s fun to watch, but not when you’re looking for legitimate thrills. It’s just for the laughs, just for the comical extremes.

That’s honestly what I see the first Hellraiser as. No offense, Clive Barker, I love the Hellraiser series with all my heart, and your other movies too. I even bought your video game, Jericho, and that thing was awesome. It’s just that Hellraiser was one of those bad horror movies.

First thing you need to know about Hellraiser is what the golden puzzlebox is, who the blue nailface guy is, and what he does for a living. The box is called the Lament Configuration, and it is used to open up a dimensional door to Hell. Whoever opens the box is then hunted by sadistic demons known as Cenobites, led by a particularly fearful creature by the name of Pinhead, hence the nails. I still can’t tell whether that’s his real name or a fan name, so I’ll leave it to the reader to decide. Heh. Pinhead. Anyways, the Cenobites have two primary weapons against those who open the dreaded box: They will either “playfully” chase you, hurting you more and more with each encounter until they finally decide to finish the process and tear your body to shreds. Or, they’ll torment you psychologically, invading your mind and causing you to experience suffering worthy only of the damned. And when you kill yourself to get away from it, you have to relive it. Again, and again, and again. Or they’ll do both. Whatever’s more appropriate.

Pretty sweet.

So anyways, Hellraiser the First is about Frank. Frank opens the box and gets shredded in an attic. The husband of the woman who originally hooked up with Frank bleeds in the attic for some reason, spurring Frank to emerge from death in a glorious show of goopy brainy resurrection effects, which were awesome, I gotta say. He forces the lass he was with before to lure guys up into the attic and kill them so he can patch his body back together.

Shit gets real when the daughter of… I forget his name, the husband of the lady who hooked up with Frank. Yeah, her. She winds up stealing the box and opening it, and when the Cenobites come, she makes a deal with them. She would trade Frank for her life. The Cenobites have no intention of sparing her, but the though of someone escaping their net of pain is insulting. So they let her lead them to Frank.

HOWEVER.

Before this can happen, however, Kirsty (that’s her name) is chased by an awkward hallway monster with a tram stuck in its ass. You can see the tram quite clearly. I was amused by this; I laughed and laughed. Mister wallmonster was so cute. But yeah, Frank ends up killing Kirsty’s daddy and wearing his skin, and when he fails to kill Kirsty, he kills his servant babe instead. Uh oh. Then the Cenobites put a bunch of hooks in him and he explodes. They try to go for Kirsty, but she uses the box to zeep them all back to Hell. For a little while.

There’s a lot more to it, really. I just prefer to keep most of it a secret in the review, that way you can really enjoy the chuckle you’ll get out of Hellraiser to the fullest extent. “We have such sights to show you…” Then spiked hooky chains fly out of my face and rip you to little pieces. Have fun!

You read the title, didn’t you? Inception was a good movie, and Sucker Punch is better. So why are you not seeing Sucker Punch right now? Wait, what do you mean opinions aren’t facts and need to be backed up with solid arguments? Crap. Fine. I’ll make this review longer than one paragraph. Lousy opinionated masses…

Right! First thing that makes the movie fantastic: Emily Browing! … What, you don’t remember who she is? Oh, please. She was Violet in the crappy Series of Unfortunate Events movie. She was the crazy sister in The Uninvited! And she’s damned cute. You can’t tell me that’s not enough to make you see the movie! … Content quality? Are you serious?! Fine! Fine. Why don’t I paint your house while I’m at it.

Sucker Punch is better than Inception because the dreams in Inception are all like James Bond movies. Completely realistic to a fault and loaded with guns and people that get shot. Yes, they talk about dreams, and dreams are involved, but these dreams reflect nothing of the subconscious! Except for guns and dying and a stalker projection. There. Now that Inception has been cast in a bad light- Oh, you want content from Sucker Punch. I guess that’s only reasonable. Workin’ my fingers to the bone…

Sucker Punch is about a little platinum blonde Babydoll whose stepfather lusts after her and her sister’s inheritance. Has nothing to do with The Series of Unfortunate Events movie, and is in no way similar. At all. He kills their mother, and when he finds out that the wealth goes to her daughters, he tries to kill them too in a drunken rage. He gets the younger sister, then frames Babydoll for it and sends her to an asylum, paying off one of the orderlies to forge a signature permitting a lobotomy. Babydoll has three days to escape. Will she make it? Let’s dive another layer down.

Sucker Punch is about a little platinum blonde Babydoll orphan who is delivered to a strip club by a priest that looks just like her stepdad in the upper layer. Weird, huh? She has to learn how to dance her stripperiffic dance in order to impress her clients, yet at the same time plot to escape the horrible and corrupt house of tail, and more importantly, the High Roller (who looks oddly like the lobotomist). Will she make it? Let’s dive yet another layer down.

Sucker Punch is about a platinum blonde warrior Babydoll who is watched over by a nameless Wise Man, from whom she receives a katana and a handgun. With these symbolic weapons, she must cleave and gun down all manner of icon-foes, some of which look oddly like her stepdad and the strip club owner. What a world. The various objectives she must complete seem impossible, but with the crew of girls she has backing her, their efforts will guarantee victory/escape/escape!

So which fricken’ story is the real one? Who can tell? That’s the draw. All of these perceived realities are connected yet disconnected from one another, making for one hell of an interesting movie. Yes, it may seem a little bit focused on the whole girls in skimpy outfits kicking major ass with guns and swords, but… They’re so sincere when they go about doing it! Best way to describe it. Sincere. It fits the tone of the movie.

Let’s close with shortcomings so you can end on a good note. Does that make sense? Does this movie make sense? Those are rhetorical questions. Sucker Punch offers a lot as a movie with spunk and mind screws. It offers some likeable if not somewhat flat characters whose shortcomings are made up for with seriously amazing special effects. Because who needs plot these days? Okay, so Inception had a better plot. But you know what’s really great? Emily Browining. For the record, this review makes as much sense as Sucker Punch does, so feel free to compare this review to the movie when you’re watching it. Because you should. And you will. Emily Browning.

Yeah, you know where this is going. After all, there’s only two ways to go when reviewing this freakin’ movie. I’ll either say, “Gee whiz, that movie sure looked good! I mean, the plot was really simple, but look at all the work they put into the special effects!” or I’ll say, “Avatar was a colossal waste of time, just like Tron. All smoke and mirrors with no substance. What it lacks in originality it makes up for in a plight for gratuitous visual appeal.” It’s a harrowing road, so I’ll do it from both angles! Hey alright. Let’s get this party started.

First of all… yeah, it is Pocahontas. Jake Sully is John Smith, Neytiri is Pocahontas, and the people of the Resources Development Administration are the evil Brits who are looking for Unobtanium/gold. The hero comes in ignorant and foolhardy, then he comes to learn just what an amazing world the tribal people live in, and he meets a girl. A whole new world~ But oh no, it turns out the people the main hero was rolling with want to destroy the tribal people for material gain! The bad guys start to win, then the main hero calls upon the strength of the forest, which comes to life and keeps itself from industrialization. Deus ex machina, more or less. And that’s uh… that’s the plot. All of it. Yup.

But hey, they have like a million “whole new world~” montages where Jake Sully learns of the beauty of the planet Pandora, and the ways of the Na’vi people, the spirituality of life, and then you start to puke rainbows. Appeal to pathos and a statement of anti-xenophobia? You bet your butt! The method’s a little half-assed, considering the movie blatantly states that humans are greedy, merciless assholes that’ll do anything to get what they want while killing anyone who gets in their way.

At this point, I’m really struggling to come up with non-filler for this Avatar review. I suppose I could talk about how good the visuals look… I said I’d approach from both angles, so I might as well. The creatures on Pandora are exotic and colorful, the technology the RDA uses is badass industrial, the Na’vi themselves look interesting enough with their little pink noses and their hair-tentacle things. Just about everything looks great except for the teeth. I mean, seriously, when Sigourney Weaver’s avatar smiles, you look at the teeth and go, “What. Alien planet, alien body, and a bleach-white Hollywood grin? That’s depressing.”

Hold the phone! I’ve just stumbled upon a conspiracy theory. If all the Na’vi and the avatars have bright white 1-800-DENTIST smiles, then maybe they’re secretly a part of the RDA’s plot. Maybe they’ve fallen for the flying holographic adverts the RDA flew around Pandora. Think about it: Do you ever see Na’vi cleaning their teeth? Do you? No! Then why are their teeth so bright freaking white? They don’t even look real.

Oh, wait. Maybe the 3D team just didn’t really think that one through. I mean, that is a really difficult thing to deal with in movies. Y’know, proper hygienics. You want your characters to look good, even if they don’t primp themselves to the extent that would justify their in-movie beauty.

Anyway.

That’s about all I’ve got. I covered the absolute basics then talked about teeth. Hell, it’s a simple movie. I wouldn’t recommend seeing it, honestly. It looks good, I guess. You might get a kick out of it if you’re easily dazzled by speshul FX.

I cannot for the life of me think up a clever play on words for this movie review’s title. Low budget must beget low budget. Monty Python and the Holy Grail was a borderline cult classic, because everyone remembers just how often the Knights of Ni jokes were being cracked after the movie came out. It was chaos. It was redundant. And, it was actually pretty funny. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the movie enough times to be totally bored with it, which is probably going to cast a shadow over the review, but what can be done? Onwards.

The best description that can be attached to Monty Python and the Holy Grail is “a collection of mostly related themed sketches punctuated by a breaking of the fourth wall.” The plot itself, though simplistic and unfulfilled, revolves around King Arthur gathering noble knights to search for the Holy Grail after being commanded by God himself. One could call it a Camelot movie with a severe case of attention deficit disorder.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Special Edition)

Normally I like to delve into the finer details of movies, but with this movie specifically, or any Monty Python movie, for that matter, I’m anticipating great difficulty. It would sound more like I was pointing out the funny parts for a laugh and some attention. On the flip side, I could describe the plot and omit the humor to make for a very bland review that would probably make Monty Python and the Holy Grail look rather dull. Both options look unfavorable.

So cards on the table, I’ll just throw out opinions. The scattered humor throughout keeps the watcher entertained while the highly appropriate setting and locations add to the medieval feel of the tale, all the while maintaining a Monty Python-esque tone with situational comedy, bizarre humor, cartoon gags, and so forth. For those who have not watched and appreciated more than a few episodes of Monty Python, or for those who do not appreciate the refined subtlety of British humor, this movie will fall flat. It’s a bit of an oxymoron, though, isn’t it? A classy comedy? If you don’t see the contrast, wait until you get to the part with the killer rabbit. Or the three-headed giant who can’t stop arguing with himself long enough to kill a knight. Or the intimidating black knight who is so deluded that he is invincible, he believes he can best King Arthur without the help of his limbs.

See? I did it just there. I said I wouldn’t, but I did. The humor in the sketches vary from slightly silly to absolutely ludicrous, another draw of Monty Python works. For the Monty Python veterans out there, this is a new look on an old story, and a hilarious one at that. For you newbies out there, try not to take the movie too seriously. It’ll only serve to confuse you further. Enjoy.

It’s like a parody of the song, “I Am Iron Man,” so you… get like the… nevermind. Let’s get reviewing.

Iron Man (Two-Disc Ultimate Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray]

Somewhere, someone in the world said, “Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Making Robert Downey Jr. fly around in a robot suit blowing up bad guys.” Jimminy cripes did that person have the right idea. I mean, I’m a huge fan of sci-fi and robotics myself, but what actually drew me to the movie wasn’t the Iron Man suit. It was the character of Tony Start, played by our own Robert Downey Jr. Seriously, the guy is hilarious and badass at all the right times. He’s an exuberant lady-killing billionaire, and he maintains world peace all by himself. It takes a whole lot of cool to pull that off.

So how does this story begin? Does Tony Stark just sit in his garage one day and think, “Wow, I’d like to make a robot suit that can save the world from literally any global terror. Yup, let’s get started.” While that might be in-character for him to do, it isn’t what happens. The real course of events is much darker.

In the beginning of the movie, our hero is riding a military convoy back from giving a weapons presentation of his new-fangled Jericho missile. During the ride, he cracks some jokes, makes some friends, then is blown up by one of his own weapons and kidnapped by a militaristic organization known as the Ten Rings. Cut back several hours to explain how he got there in the first place. So how does this have anything to do with the Iron Man suit? Is it even an important part of the plot?

Yes. It’s extremely relevant. During his capture, he takes a load of shrapnel to the chest, and is saved by man named Yinsen, who attaches an electromagnet to his chest to keep the shrapnel from reaching his heart. The captors give them time to get acquainted, then get down to business. They demand one of the Jericho missiles Tony Stark recently presented, and they will then be released upon its completion (no they won’t). Rather than do what they say, Tony creates a mini-arc generator that he replaces his battery with, and following that, he builds a prototype robot suit out of scrap in order to escape. His plan succeeds, and upon his return, he makes some drastic changes to his company. What are these changes, you may wonder? What indeed…

Iron Man is one of the few movies based on comics that manages to blend realistic and science fiction so well. In Spiderman, the sketchy plot was true to the original comic, but as a result of the realistic twist, full of holes. And no one likes Superman, because he cheats and is boring. Iron Man’s apparent success followed through into the sequel, but I won’t get into that because this is a review of the first movie. Suffice it to say the sequel was just as successful, interesting, and entertaining.

In regards to shortcomings, there really isn’t a lot that was conspicuously wrong with Iron Man. The plot flowed well, the character development was consistent, the visual effects were aesthetically appealing, and overall, the movie’s feel was a positive one. And best of all, the ending to the movie was genius. I can’t say what it is, but I guarantee you’ll be pleased how Iron Man strays from the typical superhero movie.

It used to be that when I thought of Brad Pitt, I was reminded of the stoic, moralist creature from Interview With a Vampire. As for Edward Norton, he was always the magician from the Illusionist, calm, composed, ever in control. And then Fight Club came in and punched everything I knew and loved in the face. At that point, I came to know and love Fight Club. It’s the movie that has it all: Extremely developed characters, a solid plot, a mind-blowing twist, and Helen Bonham Carter, who I have yet to see play a role in a bad movie. Now that we’ve established the taste in talent, it’s review time.

Fight Club revolves around the life of a seemingly bland man who’s suffering from chronic insomnia. His desk job provides him with nothing but stress and frustration, and his boss does his best to do the same. A brief exchange with his physician leads to the conclusion that he A) will not be receiving any sleeping pills, and B) he should visit the testicular cancer group to see what pains are worse than insomnia. The transition between focusing on insomnia and focusing on the nemesis-girlfriend, Marla Singer, is flawless. When at first he begins to become a part of this group and others, and is able to cry with them, his insomnia vanishes. And then along comes a spider, a spider with a poor poker face that smokes. Her lie reflects his, and his insomnia returns.

In a separate yet simultaneous timeline, he meets the enigma Tyler Durden on a business flight, and they exchange cards. A small, seemingly meaningless encounter in which the main character (due to the lack of an official name, called “Narrator”) discovers that both he and Tyler have the same briefcase. What begins as a small coincidence rapidly spirals into chaos as the Narrator’s apartment is later on destroyed by an explosion. Though he has Marla’s number from their compromise on who gets what group when, he decides to stay with Tyler. They head to a bar, have a few drinks, throw a few punches, and decided to make a habit of it. Then they start to draw a crowd. Thus, Fight Club is unofficially founded.

That isn’t even half of the plot, or the quirks, or the draw, but when the Fight Club is turned in a completely different direction, when Tyler decides to step things up a bit too far for the Narrator to handle, shit gets real. Other Fight Clubs spring up across the country. The Feds get involved. Someone dies. His name is… Well, you’ll get to that. Out of sheer respect for the movie, and for the intricacy of the plot, there won’t be any spoilers. That might make for a shorter review, but perhaps a better buildup. Besides, the first rule of Fight Club is, you don’t talk about Fight Club. Not the spoilers, anyway.

You know how some movies are so bad at trying to play their genre that they turn into comedies? Case 39 is a special spin on that. You watch the movie, you reflect on it for a minute, then you start laughing your ass off. This movie was hilarious. You can thank Renee Zellweger for that. Jodelle Ferland is sort of the back-up dancer to Renee’s god-awful, though, since she provides the horror in the movie.

Fundamentals: Renee plays Emily something or other who is a social worker who deals with matters involving children, abusive parents, etc. She encounters the Sullivan family early on in the movie, establishing the bond between her and the “abused” child Lilith Sullivan. The parents wind up trying to kill Lilith, who then plucks Emily’s heartstrings until she petitions for custody. They spend a few days together- OH NO LILITH IS A DEMON oh ho, did I say that out loud? Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Her transition into psychological predator is fast as can be, leading Emily to regret her decision of taking the evil girl in. But she petitioned for custody, so she’s got to keep her and deal with it.

Now, the thing that bothers/amuses me about this movie is how Emily responds to Lilith’s apparent demonic nature. She begins to behave exactly like the Sullivans did; she both ignores the girl and puts bolts and latches on her own door to keep the naughty lass out (which did nothing, as the viewer later discovers). To make things every more cookie-cutter, Emily starts regurgitating the “I’m not crazy, my adopted child is a demon with magic powers” line to her cop friend. Sadly enough, it works, and they team up against the evil that wears the face of “Lilith Sullivan.”

But not for long. He dies. So does everyone else Emily loves. With all that said and done, she is intimidated into obeying Lilith’s every wish. But since you can’t end a movie like that, Emily decides to drug Little Miss Murder with sleeping pills, despite the fact that her demonic powers extend to mind-reading. Uh, whoops? Then, instead of trying to stab her to death or smother her with a pillow, Emily burns her own house down with Lilith in it. Which doesn’t work. Apparently Lilith can teleport. UH, WHOOPS. So then as they’re driving to the police station, Emily decides to drive to the river, Lilith gives her one final psychological scare based off of her childhood trauma which she overcomes with ease (yawn), then… Wait, what? She drives her car into a river, which seems to actually kill Lilith. What the he- but wait, I thought Lilith could read minds? Couldn’t she teleport? What’s going on here? I’ll tell you what. Magic. Snort snort.

The movie ends with Emily surviving the crash. All of her friends, family, and other loved ones are dead, her house is burned down, and her car is on the bottom of a river because she’s stupid. Makes you feel like doing the jig and throwing confetti. Anyways, I recommend this movie to skeptics who like making fun of movies in hushed voices as they play, and to people who like writing sarcastic reviews.

This entire thing is me bashing the Spiderman trilogy, so if you really like Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, then… go away. I have two- three- f- many main problems with these movies. Primary directive: making a very unrealistic comic as realistic as possible is not a good idea. Plot holes will (did) arise.

The first one was forgivable. A genetically modified spider escaped from its case and nobody noticed. That spider’s probably worth a whole lot of money. Following its escape, it lands on Peter Parker’s hand and bites him for no reason. No threat, no pressure. But hey, if that didn’t happen, there wouldn’t be Spiderman, so okay. Fine.

A little early for an interlude, but it seems like every time Peter is in some “deep quandary,” everyone around him starts vomiting up life-changing advice. It’s like he gives them their philosophical gag reflex after jamming his stupid problems down their throats. Is that a spider power? Who knew!

Moving on. I’ll note that the first Spiderman movie managed to hold the plot together well, and it was the corny acting that bothered me the most. When the second movie came around, things started to get bad. For example: Why did Otto Octavius need arms that had extremely advanced, self-aware A.I. if his only use for them was to push miniature solar flares back into place? And isn’t it kind of disappointing that they didn’t even do their job right? The freakin’ things were responsible for the death of his wife! Then they turned him into an evil psychopath! What?!

Second interlude. Peter Parker in this Spiderman trilogy reminds me of George W. Bush. An educated person, but completely mentally incompetent. No political commentary, just making a comparison. Think about it, though. He likes Mary Jane, but he keeps pushing her away because he’s afraid his enemies will find out about her and kill her. But wait, isn’t that what his “secret identity” gimmick is all about? Despite this, he dumps her again and again as if the prospect of actually dating her would be tantamount to stabbing her in the eye. When he does finally grow the balls to propose, he does it as her acting career is failing, and after he publicly made out with another woman (as Spiderman) using the specific upside-down kiss that Mary Jane associates with him. And then he freaks out when she says no! Spiderman… you’re dumb.

Okay, next plot hole. The third movie is the god-awful worst of the trilogy, harboring the two worst cases of Deus ex Durrrr that I’ve ever seen. So it turns out Sandman killed Peter Parker’s uncle, and as a result, Peter gets revenge-crazy and tries to kill Sandman. Later on, Sandman confesses that he did kill Ben Parker, but it was an accident. He only shot Ben because his buddy shouted at him. And you know what, he was only stealing the money to save his daughter, who is dying of some terrible disease. As a result, everyone forgives him completely, the sky turns blue, upbeat music plays, and a rainbow rockets out of my ass. Durrrr.

Final, ultimate count of plot hole shenanigans. Near the end of the third movie where Spiderman faces off against a king-size Sandman and a pissed off Venom, Harry Osborne is sitting home alone and not helping. Early on, a wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time incident leads him to believe that Spiderman killed his father. Norman Osborne, the Green Goblin, tried to impale Spiderman from behind with his hovercraft. That would have actually impaled the both of them, judging from the force it hit Norman after Spiderman dodged out of the way thanks to his spider-sense. So basically, Harry’s dad killed himself, and Harry thinks Peter did it. In the second movie, he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, so there you go.

As I was saying, in the third movie, when Spiderman is getting a can of whoop-ass opened up all over his face, Harry is drinking alone. His butler comes in and says randomly, “Hey, by the way. I cleaned your dad’s wound, and it was his hovercraft that killed him. He definitely killed himself. Yup. I only tell you now because my magic plot powers say that I must. So yeah, go help Peter who you’ve hated for years because I haven’t said anything.” That’s, more or less, exactly what he said. Is that really the only way they could think of to get Harry to save Peter? Really? It’s like a giant middle finger to the audience! Gah, I’m done. That’s all I can take of these movies.

Oh, yeah. And why doesn’t the performance enhancing serum that made Norman turn into Green Goblin make Harry go insane as well? They both used it, yet it seems as though Harry is immune to going crazy. Wow. Hey, why not. Ponder that. Oh, and even if you do watch these terrible movies after reading this, you won’t be able to keep these little hiccups out of mind. Happy trails! Don’t watch them.