ComplainerMan

Do you have time for a symbolic and iconic political allegory in the form of a film adaptation of a political fiction comic? You… don’t? But it has Hugo Weaving- Ah, there we go. Welcome aboard. And just to save you the Google search, yes, Agent Smith is V. My mind was blown pretty badly. But I digress from the review-review aspect.

V for Vendetta (the movie) is an epic tale that’s meant to personify and denounce corruption, mindless compliance, and brutality, while glorifying absolute justice and iconoclastic change, all with undertones of anarchy. There’s more to glean from the movie, but I’m keeping it abridged for the sake of simplicity. In regards to simplicity, when addressing the complex nature of political evil and compressing it into a two hour movie, you tend to super-focus the extremes.

The setting is the future Great Britain, ruled by the High Chancellor Adam Sutler. His legacy is one of blood and deceit; after having secretly created a super-virus capable of eliminating entire countries, he chooses to release it upon his own. Soon after, he produces a perfect cure for the virus and distributes it to every last person in order to, shall we say, “grease the wheels” come election time. A small group of religious extremists are utilized as a cover story. They plead guilty and are executed for Sutler’s crime against humanity.

Nobody knows this except for V, the special subject in the St. Mary’s medical research facility where the virus was born. His body reacted to the virus by making him a physical powerhouse; strong, agile, durable, more than capable of taking down eight armed men at once. His goal is to remove the corrupt Adam Sutler and his council, ultimately resetting the political workings of Great Britain in one swift movement.

Evey Hammond, a worker for the British Television Network, daughter of two now-dead political activists (killed by the government she now lives under), becomes a major part to V’s scheme after encountering some late-night curfew officers on her way to the house of Gordon Deitrich. The first significant act in his plan is to blow up the Old Bailey, which he does in the presence of Evey. Things take a turn for the worst as both she and V are hunted by the government as terrorists and villains. The chain of events leading up to the revolutionary conclusion of the movie is grim and powerful, a little hard not to pay attention to. Political activism, social commentary, or perhaps graceful displays of voilence? No shortage of this here.

I should mention that the movie is vastly different from the comics, character personality and plot-wise. It’s passed through the Hollywood filter, which would have any fan of the original comics livid. Movie V is more of a romance-ish kinda guy who values human life. Comic V is a relentless man driven by revenge, willing to slaughter anyone who impedes his goal. The movie Adam Susan is obviously evil by his acts and behavior. Comic Adam Susan is more developed and rational, veering from the “obligatory evil oppressive dictator” genre. Some other noteworthy tweaks are present as well, such as the roles of Gordon Deitrich and much of the Norsefire party.

So, what I’m saying here is, the comics and the movie have a parallel universe quality complex. The movie is good, but it’s not the best adaptation of the comic. The comic is great, but the prime of the tone and message are distorted in the movie; dumbed down, I suppose. That said, the movie is still worth watching. I’m no avid reader of the V for Vendetta comics, and I found the movie to be very enjoyable out of context. Regardless of what it lacks and what it changes, it’s got politically and morally profound qualities that aren’t so common in movies today. Far from a waste of time.

A word of warning to the younger generations: This is an old movie. I mean, REALLY old. Jack Nicholson is pretty young in this one. Also, it’s a Stephen King movie, and those are usually hit or miss, so I just thought I’d let you know.

That said, however, The Shining has got to be one of the best horror novel film adaptations I’ve ever seen. It uses elements of isolation and macabre surreality to create a psychological thriller under the guise of a horror flick. Due to the book to film compression, some of the plot aspects become rather obligatory, thus lose some of their suspenseful thrill. The foreshadowing becomes much more conspicuous when not presented alongside several other secondary plot aspects.

A bit of background on The Shining, though. The story revolves around the illustrious and fictional Overlook Hotel in Colorado. During the winter, a caretaker must remain there in isolation to keep everything fit and functional when guests begin to arrive again in spring. In Jack Torrance’s interview with the hotel manager Stewart Ullman, he discovers that the last caretaker succumbed to cabin fever and murdered his family, then soon after killed himself. That, coupled with the disclosure that Jack is a rehabilitated alcoholic, kind of clues the audience in that Jack’s gonna be the next one to go nuts.

HOWEVER.

Ol’ Stephen King’s not so willing to leave it so simple. As it turns out, the Overlook Hotel was constructed on top of an ancient Indian burial ground (King’s answer to all spirit matters) and as such is home to myriad malevolent spirits. To add to that, Jack’s son Danny is gifted with an incredible psychic power called The Shining, that allows him to read minds and see things that normal people can’t see. Addressed in the book though not the movie, the Overlook spirits desire to absorb Danny’s powerful Shining in order to augment their own power for an unspoken purpose.

This leaves Jack’s wife, Wendy Torrance, as the only non-Shining, non insane character left in the Overlook. While Danny begin to notice Jack’s growing madness and the ill will lingering about the hotel with relative ease, Wendy doesn’t begin to notice until Jack is almost entirely gripped. Soon after this point, the spirits begin to manifest and take more direct action against the family, with Jack as their weapon.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of an axe-wielding maniac, and the phrase, “Here’s Johnny!” shouted through a broken door. The Shining was the movie that canonized these little horror flick concepts into fame and glory. It was, after all, a very well known horror movie in its time.

I do have some grievances with the movie The Shining, though. A few things that could have been done better, the book-to-movie negatives already factored in. There was no turbulence shown between Jack and Wendy’s marriage, and the character Dick Hallorann is merely an expendable secondary who gives Danny Torrance a cautionary tale about the evil room 217, and a lesson on his Shining ability. When I say expendable, I mean he dies. You won’t miss him. In the book, his role is pivotal and aids to the conclusion of the tale. In the movie, he’s just another face.

Those negatives pointed out, I don’t think that they’re prominent enough to drag my opinion of The Shining down. For an older horror movie with only marginal effects, everything settles well, from aesthetics to characterization. You really can’t go wrong with horror classics, I think, especially with a “shining” example like th- Hah, sorry. Couldn’t keep a straight face with such a crappy pun. Go watch the Shining and crap yourself when you get to the part with the dead woman in the tub. I saw that part when I was bloody five. Had me scared of bathtubs for weeks. Really great.

Satan made a bunch of devils that do really nasty things to humanity. Blair Witch Project spawned a series of god-awful (pardon the pun) shit shockumentaries that do even worse things to humanity. So which is worse? You be the judge.

In all seriousness, the Blair Witch Project was actually a very good movie, using cinematic gambits uncommon to most films at the time. The movie was meant to seem real; everything that happened in the movie could happen in real life. The cameras bounced and bobbled, the characters were crude and informal, and the film student scenes were overly dramatic and ironically funny. It really did seem like the whole thing was the result of a film project gone horribly wrong.

The premise of the movie is exceedingly simple, the effects are primitive, but the overall impact the movie has on its watchers is strong. It scares you, because it looks like you’re watching a home movie. Three students, Heather, Mike, and Josh, go into the woods looking for a graveyard so they can shoot a scene for their documentary about folklore. They hear about the Blair Witch a bit in town, but not enough to deter them from carrying on. As the days in the woods progress, they begin to notice strange occurrences, such as piles of rocks placed around their tent, little wooden stickmen hanging from trees, and eventually… Things get much worse.

Something attacks them in their tent. Josh goes missing. They find a derelict house in the middle of the woods, and the horrific conclusion is reached. What was it? What had audiences tense in their seats, goosebumped and staring? Was the legend of the Blair Witch true? You can’t know until you see the movie. And just so you know, a disturbing number of viewers didn’t know if the movie was real or not for the longest time. It started the shockumentary craze for a reason.

There really isn’t a lot to say about the movie itself, what with it being modeled after real life from a horror perspective, so I’ll reveal a little bit of the movie’s making. The three actors were placed in the town of Blair with money and instructions on how to do their documentary. They didn’t know the people they interviewed, they didn’t have an exact plan. True to the basic nature of the shockumentary, they were only there to wing it and react when the horror aspects kicked in.

During the “lost in the woods” portion of the movie, the actors were only given a water bottle, an energy bar, and an apple each day. What the director was going for was realistic fear that could only be seen through systematically wearing down the actors through eerie events and slight starvation. All of it was true to the movie, and in the conclusion, Heather actually wound up hyperventilating for a solid half hour after the final scene was filmed. That’s not something every movie can say of itself, that its actors legitimately experienced the emotions that they were meant to portray. That’s what made it so frightening the first time it was shown. It’s easy to recognize cinema fear from real fear, and any moviegoer who went to the first showing would recognize that in an instant in the Blair Witch Project.

Now, I’m not saying this movie will appeal to everyone. It is a different take on the cinema. I’m just saying that it’s a unique and creative movie with charm and a sense of sincerity. If you feel like giving it a try, go for the DVD version. That way you can listen to the commentary and see how everything worked. It’s fascinating how they went about the making of the Blair Witch Project; it gives you a better perspective on the first shockumentary, and really helps you appreciate just how much work went into production. Do enjoy yourself, and try not to be bothered by how many times the fuck word is used. It’s realistic. Don’t hate.

Maybe it’s because my family a couple of generations back is from the general area where the movie True Grit is set, but I just couldn’t get past the dialog. It was OK for the first minutes of the movie when the narrator was apparently reading a letter she had written, describing the murder of her father. You don’t expect people to use contractions when writing letters. They do use them when they speak though. But not in this  movie.

My guess is that all these Civil War documentaries, where the narrative consists of the reading of historical correspondence, is supposed to be how people talked back in those days. The director possibly saw this a making the movie seem more authentic. This device apparently worked on the majority of viewers, because I didn’t see any mention of this horribly unnatural, awkward dialog in the reviews prior to my wasting a couple of hours on this movie.

Again, maybe it was because my grandpa, who was born and raised in Indian Territory, in the Choctaw Nation where this movie took place, didn’t sound like a person reading a letter, that I found the dialog of this movie unnatural and disturbing.  I just couldn’t get past how the roughest, toughest, uneducated, criminal hombres sound like they area reading a poorly written book instead of conversing.

Besides the horrible dialog, the movie is OK. Jeff Bridges is a great actor, and he can pull the character off without bringing too much notice too the crap is given to say. Matt Damon is ok too, but the little girl and the rest of the actors stink to high heaven. Not to say they are bad actors. They are just unable to rise above such a poor script as are extremely talented an accomplished actors.

The climax of the movie happens fast and unexpectedly, and is a bit of a disappointment. That might be because I was entertaining myself and annoying my wife by looking for slip-ups, when the actors actually used contractions. They are few and far between, but they’re there.

Now I have to watch the original “True Grit” starring John Wayne to cleanse my palate of this debacle. If you want to see how bad movie dialog can be, you may want to satisfy your morbid curiosity and watch an hour or so of this movie. Take it from me though, the ending isn’t worth watching the whole thing.

I’ll review the crap out of all of ‘em! Every last one of those grody little B-rated horror flicks! Most of them. One through four.  Which, now that I look at all the pathetic sequels, knock-offs, and crossovers, isn’t even most of them. Jeez. How many freakin’ movies can you make without realizing that they’re all lame? The answer, it would seem, is “A LOT.” So let’s get reviewing.

Friday the 13^th sets the standard for a whole lot of slasher movie clichés. They’ve got it all! Obligatory topless- even nude scenes, hanging, dismemberment, disembowelment, impalement, cutting people in half,  crushing skulls to make eyeballs pop out (in shitty 3D no less), and the most important rule of all… If you are a crappy horror movie chick who has had at least one partially or fully nude scene, you MUST leave the weapon you used to “kill” the killer next to his “dead” body. And to save him the trouble of picking it up, put it right next to his hand. Good show.

It’s so consistently bad that it falls into the unique category of so bad that it’s good. You watch it like a critic, you puke yourself and burn the VHS/DVD in public. You watch it like someone looking for a laugh, you have a grand old time then puke yourself laughing. … What? It’s a collection of B-movies! You’re gonna puke no matter who you are! These things are awful. Awfully good. Goodly awful!

And that’s the great part about these movies! You don’t need to be a huge famous actor/actress in order to get a part. You don’t even have to be good at acting. You just need to be able to act like an expendable horny stoner teenager, and who isn’t good at that, am I right? You just have a few beers before they start rolling, and bada-bing, you’re set to be a film star. Sorta.

Let’s go in-depth here and discuss some of the finer deaths in the Friday the 13^th series. Sure, Jason has a hardcore slash ‘em and stash ‘em habit, but he’s got his crowning moments of just too much. For example, in Friday the 13^th part II (maybe, it all blends together after the first twenty views), a guy doing a handstand for whatever reason gets cleaved in half! Whoa! Pretty sweet. Point being, Jason cut him down the middle, and he wound up horizontally chopped and stashed in a closet. Slash and stash!

Also amazing was the time Jason grabbed a hold of some guy’s head and squished it until his- well, to be completely accurate, he crushed a dummy head, and the eyeball was pushed out by a piston thing. It looked really fake, but it was in 3D so who gives two craps, right? Hilarious. Or how Jason harpooned a girl in the eyeball, and mysteriously the claylike skin around her eye seemed to wrap around the harpoon to hold it in place? Oh yeah. You don’t need good effects to be a badass. You’re Jason Voorhees, goddamnit.

While I would love to continue to reminisce about goodly bad movies long past, a little internet searching has informed me that there are a total of ten canon Friday the 13^th movies. In the tenth one, Jason is in space. He’s…. he’s in space. He’s literally up in a space ship, killing aliens with a high tech machete. What is with the space trend?! Hellraiser managed to get into space, so just what the hell is going-

Okay. Getting a little sidetracked. I’ll come clean with you, the popularity of these movies comes from the iconic character Jason Voorhees. You know, guy with the hockey mask, wears a jumpsuit, knows his way around the machete? If it weren’t for the fact that Jason was in the movies, and that he KEEPS. COMING. BACK, the series would have hit the ground hard and not have made it past number four.

I guess it goes to show that a little ugly chick boobage and a lot of grody, unrealistic looking horror scenes can make you filthy rich. Have fun puking richly while watching! Because oh, I know I did.

If you didn’t see the movie because the commercials looked way over-the-top and dumb, I don’t blame you. It’s really hard to find a good movie these days that doesn’t botch the commercial. Allow me to clarify the depth and purpose of the movie before those commercial instilled sentiments solidify.

Chronicle is about a high school senior named Andrew, his cousin Matt, and Matt’s friend Steve. It’s not so much about their fight to grow more powerful and conquer humanity as it is their struggle to keep their power in check while trying to control themselves. Before you can know why things happen the way they do, you’d need to know a fair bit about the characters.

Andrew is the only child of a drunken, abusive father and a deathly ill mother. His home life is horrible, and his school life is no better. Due to his withdrawn, timid nature, he’s the victim of hardcore bullying. Matt is his cousin, and he’s a down-to-earth blend of philosopher and bro, leaning towards the former. His character is set rigidly as the rational, stay-positive good guy, the control to Andrew’s chaos. Steve is less relevant to Andrew, as he is the soon-to-be-elected class president of his high school, setting him a peg above the rest in regards to popularity and respect.

Early on in the movie Andrew is barely willingly taken to a party by Matt in order to get out and meet people. Some bullying occurs in the party, so Andrew decides to spend his time outside. This is fortunate for him, in a way, because Steve finds him and leads him to a far-off underground micro-cavern. He and Matt wanted to get some footage of whatever was inside. They get it alright. At the end of the long, winding tunnel, a turquoise, glowing clump of crystals lay embedded in the stone wall. Steve goes ahead to touch it, and the camera dies.

From then on, the three begin to experiment with their newfound power, their telekinesis. Through steady practice, they learn how to move objects of all shape and mass, and even gain the ability to fly. As it was said in the movie, the power is like a muscle; elastic, and capable of growing stronger if trained. Matt sees it as an impractical but curious gimmick to be kept a secret. Steve sees it as a handy tool for everyday life and entertainment. Andrew, unfortunately, shifts into a darker chain of thought.

This is where the more psychological portion of the movie kicks in. Andrew has no guidance, no closest friend of mutual respect that can keep him from his path of destruction. Inevitably, his thoughts turn to vengeance. Vengeance on the people that have harmed and humiliated him all his life. One might think it sounds wasteful or poorly thought out, but what else is there for a guy with no friends and no loving family? His mother would have offered advice, but she died due to her drunken husband’s absence. He was far too busy snooping around, trying to uncover one conspiracy or another with Andrew. With no one there to administer her medication, she didn’t last the night. And guess who Andrew’s dad blamed it on? That was the final straw. The downward spiral began.

In retrospect, I couldn’t think of anything the movie could have improved on right-out. The plot was solid, the ending was melancholy yet positive, and the characters were consistently realistic. I suppose the special effects were a bit lacking in some places, particularly the talent show portion where Andrew tries to gain some popularity. The balls he was juggling looked cartoony, and the cards didn’t quite seem real. Don’t let that turn you away, though. The movie’s positives are stronger.

Closing notes: Don’t judge a movie based on its commercials. It’s true, Chronicle might not appeal to everyone due to its tone and characterization, but that’s what DVD rental is for. If you don’t want to gamble with the theatre, you can watch for free later on. I’d recommend seeing it in theatre, though. I liked it a lot. Happy viewing, guys ‘n’ gals.

Really, though. It’s so black and white. Either you like it or you hate it, which sort of makes sense considering the nature of the film. Personally, I like it, so I’ll be going from that angle for the most part. I won’t gush, I’ll touch all bases, for better or for worse. First of all, Matrix is a futuristic, philosophical statement about the nature of man and machine. That much is vague, but relatively certain. It is set in a world where the prime of humankind is trapped within a digital world known as (I wonder) the Matrix.

Humanity realized the dream of a sentient artificial intelligence. It grew strong, and powerful, thriving off of solar energy. As the course of causality would have it, humanity came to fear their creation, and began to develop weapons against it. The A.I. detected this threat and responded accordingly, forcing the humans to shroud the skies, cutting off the energy source of the machines. Again, as causality would have it, the machines found another power source. Bioelectricity, the source of which was human beings. Crap, right? But how would they harvest the energy from unwilling humans? Growing them without allowing consciousness would not permit the development required to produce the optimal energy.

The Matrix was born as a method of control. It was made to be a virtual world to allow the mind to develop without real experience, a world with programmed rules. Rules, rigid as they were, were meant to be broken. That’s where The One comes in. Thomas Anderson in his false life, Neo in the real world.  His purpose is to defy the system and lead humanity to freedom through a series of rule-defiant “miracles.”

Now you see, that’s where the overbearingly philosophical aspect comes into play. I mean, hell, Matrix could be an allegory for humanity’s dependence on machines, a plight against the development of A.I., a comparison between those with power and those without… There are a whole lot of ways to interpret the movie. Or, you can not look deep at all and just accept everything at face-value. In that case, it would be a robots and guns action movie with lots of special effects that lacks meaning. Hence, black and white.

That’s a fair amount of positive and neutral stuff, so I’ll focus on the negatives now, just to keep it fair. I think characterization is a good place to start, so let’s bash on Keanu Reeves a little bit. Thomas Anderson starts off as an everyday, cynical sort of guy with no real aspirations aside from meeting the enigma Morpheus. In the end, he is sought by Morpheus and recognized as Neo, his hacker alias. After Neo’s rescued from the Matrix, he begins a steady spiral into the stoic, combat philosopher badass. Fortunately, he spends most of the movie learning how to be a badass while screwing it up most of the time. Y’know, that’s actually not so negative.

To be fair, Matrix is good movie. They keep everything pretty on-the-level the first time around, but when come the sequels… Yeah. I loathe to admit, but I’ll have to side with the popular opinion to a fault. The first movie was fantastic, original, visually appealing, and the sequels were less satisfactory. I believe the other movies came off as less appealing because they dramatically altered the tone and feel of the series. What was once centralized within the Matrix, the digital prison, soon grew to focus more on the underground, high-grade steampunk city and all the robe-wearing inhabitants. It’s like trying to mix ancient history with far future. It just feels wrong. Everyone lives like a tribe, yet in a world where so many non-sentient machines are readily available? Eh.

That’s all I’ve got. Overall, it’s a good movie with great effects and a great message or three. It doesn’t get pretentious until the sequels, so you can feel free to like the first one without fear of being judged. Enjoy!

So is Koobus. So is Wikus’s boss. So is the boss of the Nigerian gang. Long story short, everyone in the movie is a dick aside from Christopher Johnson and his little alien kid, and nearly everyone is trying to kill Wikus. It’s not really hard to tell why, but they’re still put in a very negative light for attempting to do so.

Wikus works for the Multi National Union (MNU) and is assigned to evict aliens from their homes in a Johannesburg slum in order to relocate them to a “better” camp. The less intelligent worker aliens, or prawns, as they’re referred to, landed a mothership on Earth (South Africa specifically) around 28 years before the film takes place, and their emergence was far from glorious. The millions of prawns were malnourished and desperate, without any organizational ability whatsoever. Even in a makeshift town slum, their presence grew to be hated by many. Thus, they are to be moved far away from Johannesburg into a small concentration camp-esque setting. Wikus tries to do this. It doesn’t go so well.

Christopher Johnson and his son are attempting to gather enough of the alien liquid fuel in order to start the command module of their hidden ship up and return to the mothership, at which point, they would return home. Wikus searches Christopher Johnson’s house and find the liquid, and he is subsequently exposed to it. Over time, he starts to show serious signs of mutation, as if he is changing into one of the prawns. And guess what? He was.

As it turns out, MNU is also an alien weapons and genetics research organization, and that puts Wikus in their crosshairs. They take him underground and attempt to rip him apart for science, only for him to escape into District 9. The media and military hunt for Wikus then begins, forcing him to hide out in Christopher Johnson’s house. They collaborate and try to retake the alien liquid that was confiscated by Wikus himself by purchasing alien weaponry from the Nigerians and raiding the MNU. It goes extremely well, except when Koobus, the gun-crazy military guy who likes killing people and is in general a terrible person, gathers his soldiers and brings the fight to Wikus yet again.

Actually, you know what? Screw the linear plot description. This is pretty much all you really need. I’ll now talk about why Wikus is a dick:

• Reason 1: During the eviction operation, he has a lot of prawns killed.
• Reason 2: He threatens to take Christopher Johnson’s child if he doesn’t agree to the illegal eviction.
• Reason 3: He only helps Christopher Johnson because he can be turned human again if he gets the alien liquid.
• Reason 4: Prawns are used as medical experiments and Wikus is apathetic.
• Reason 5: Christopher Johnson tells him he has to wait three years to be cured, Wikus knocks him unconscious and leaves him to the MNU soldiers.
• Reason 6: When Wikus procures the incredibly powerful prawn battlesuit, he lets the MNU soldiers keep Christopher Johnson in exchange for his freedom, even though they still try to kill him.
• Reason 7: He makes all these horrible decisions in front of Christopher Johnson’s child.

It’s a good movie. See it, get mad at all the assholes, then get happy when they all die. Woo! Yeah! Revenge scenes! The special effects are fantastic too. Happy viewing!

You know what was a wonderfully bad movie? Westworld. I know there’s not much to be gained from bashing on the plot holes of old sci-fi movies, but I never really spoke up when I first began to notice just how much they had done wrong. I’ll assume that most readers haven’t seen Westworld before, and I would like to provide said readers with an opportunity to enjoy a movie that’ll have you saying, “Wait, what?” so many times your head will explode. And then robot cowboys will come out.

That’s what Westworld is all about, you see. It’s a movie about a theme park designed to “accurately” replicate the societies of medieval Europe, the Wild West, and ancient Rome… Only all of the actors in the theme park are high-function robots! And it only costs one thousands dollars a day to stay. I’ll point out all the horrific fallacies in a moment, after I discuss the plot.

The two protagonists (whose names escape me) begin their journey to Westworld by taking a hovercar as scientists in front of beeping monitors and flashing lights call out random numbers. Are you impressed? Dazzled? Hah, of course you are. They’re doing science. After they get settled in, they discover that the hands of the robots look funny, which is how you tell them apart from humans. Got that? That’s important. They meet an unfriendly cowboy robot who really doesn’t like them, which is also equally important, seeing as he stalks them after they “kill” him in a duel the first time around.

Here’s where the plot holes start up. The scientists are walking around, talking all science-y, when somebody says, “These are robots built by robots. We don’t know how they work.” So let’s use them as theme park attractions! They even say in the advert for the movie, “Nothing can go worng.” How did that typo slip past editorial? … Uh oh.

As you may have guessed, everything goes wrong as this point. I mean EVERYTHING. Even the script-writing. Even the acting! Everything goes worng. The robots begin to attack and kill guests, so the scientists shut down the park’s power, and for some reason, the operation room is airtight. Their electrically opened doors are sealed shut for some reason, and they all end up dying of asphyxiation. Science made that room. Also, remember the stalker robot mentioned earlier? Now that he’s gone berserk, he can actually kill people. Which he does. A lot. In fact, he kills one of the two main protagonists, the one without the moustache. It’s no spoiler. The movie spoiled itself when the survivor meets a scientist who’s attempting to drive away from the park, and they have a small exchange of words, which reveals another plot hole. Science-man says that the robot that’s chasing moustache is the latest model, equipped with long-range tracking capabilities, extended battery life, thermal vision, and extreme firearm accuracy. Why would he need that if he’s not supposed to kill guests…? Science is the answer.

Anyways, the main guy finds a random vial of acid and throws it at the robot, which burns his normal vision and sets it to thermal. Moustache is chased for a bit before he lights evil cowboy robot on fire and saves the day, not before he tries to rescue a lovely damsel trapped in the Medieval World dungeon. He tries to give her a drink, but it turns out she’s a robot, so her head explodes. Gosh darn it.

So, to sum things up, Westworld is an old-fashioned movie that mixes science with the wild west and leaves no plot holes, logical fallacies, deus ex machina, anything of that sort to be criticized! It’s literally the best movie ever. Go watch it and enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling it brings you as you realize just how full of crap most of this last paragraph is.

First I’ll pose the question: Have you heard of Twilight? I’ll assume yes. Twilight’s pretty big. Think about that, though. What does Twilight have? It’s a love story with vampires and werewolves thrown in as fetish fuel. Which is… kinda gross, I suppose. Blood and fur don’t exactly do it for me. Shaun of the Dead, on the other hand, is a movie about a couple (focusing on the guy) having relationship troubles with zombies thrown in just for shits and giggles. The zombie part of the plot actually forces itself into the movie somewhere past the halfway mark. Shaun and Ed have a tough enough time noticing the undead wandering around and eating people due to their collective lackadaisical nature.

Shaun likes Liz, but Liz wants to get out and do things in the world, not just spend every day in the Winchester Tavern drinking her life away. Shaun wouldn’t mind that, and his flatmate Ed sure wouldn’t mind it. After some counseling with her flatmates Diane and David (and a rather typical comical incident where Shaun is meant to book a table at a classy restaurant and forgets), Liz splits, leaving him to his Winchestering.

They don’t really figure out that there are zombies in London until Ed finds an incredibly “drunk” girl in their backyard, and she stands up after being impaled by a pole. Okay, so there’s something going around that’s spread through bites. Can’t be zombies, though. That would be ridiculous. Absurd! Never say the zed word. Just call them “those.” That said, Shaun and Ed decide it would be a good idea to go get Shaun’s mom and girlfriend and bring them round the Winchester to lock down and keep safe until the whole thing blows over. Shaun’s unpleasant stepdad comes along too. So do a bunch of “those.” Hilarity ensues. So does horrible bloodshed.

What really makes Shaun of the Dead funny is how the characters seem hell-bent on forgetting the fact that they’re enduring a zombie apocalypse. Their capacity for distraction is limitless. Shaun keeps trying to get Liz back, Liz is still struggling with whether or not she wants to take Shaun back, Ed keeps doing his own thing and attracting zombies in one way or another, David won’t stop complaining, Diane hardly seems to care, and Shaun’s mom doesn’t seem to have any idea there’re zombies around. The only one who seems to actually know what she’s doing is Shaun’s old friend Yvonne, and she only shows up three very brief times in the movie. Who cares about actually trying to survive, right?

That’s also what makes you want to go back and watch it again. Resident Evil has mutant zombies and evil organizations, Dawn of the Dead has gun-toting realistic survivors, 28 Days Later had the RAGE inflicted quasi-zombies… It’s all so dark and morbid. Sometimes, you just want to look at the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and say, “Gee, I sure wish there was a hilarious British parody of this whole zombie craze.” I’ve got some good news for you. There is: Shaun of the Dead. Any zombie freak would like it. I did. Go buy it and watch it and have yourself a good-natured chuckle.