ComplainerMan

This entire thing is me bashing the Spiderman trilogy, so if you really like Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, then… go away. I have two- three- f- many main problems with these movies. Primary directive: making a very unrealistic comic as realistic as possible is not a good idea. Plot holes will (did) arise.

The first one was forgivable. A genetically modified spider escaped from its case and nobody noticed. That spider’s probably worth a whole lot of money. Following its escape, it lands on Peter Parker’s hand and bites him for no reason. No threat, no pressure. But hey, if that didn’t happen, there wouldn’t be Spiderman, so okay. Fine.

A little early for an interlude, but it seems like every time Peter is in some “deep quandary,” everyone around him starts vomiting up life-changing advice. It’s like he gives them their philosophical gag reflex after jamming his stupid problems down their throats. Is that a spider power? Who knew!

Moving on. I’ll note that the first Spiderman movie managed to hold the plot together well, and it was the corny acting that bothered me the most. When the second movie came around, things started to get bad. For example: Why did Otto Octavius need arms that had extremely advanced, self-aware A.I. if his only use for them was to push miniature solar flares back into place? And isn’t it kind of disappointing that they didn’t even do their job right? The freakin’ things were responsible for the death of his wife! Then they turned him into an evil psychopath! What?!

Second interlude. Peter Parker in this Spiderman trilogy reminds me of George W. Bush. An educated person, but completely mentally incompetent. No political commentary, just making a comparison. Think about it, though. He likes Mary Jane, but he keeps pushing her away because he’s afraid his enemies will find out about her and kill her. But wait, isn’t that what his “secret identity” gimmick is all about? Despite this, he dumps her again and again as if the prospect of actually dating her would be tantamount to stabbing her in the eye. When he does finally grow the balls to propose, he does it as her acting career is failing, and after he publicly made out with another woman (as Spiderman) using the specific upside-down kiss that Mary Jane associates with him. And then he freaks out when she says no! Spiderman… you’re dumb.

Okay, next plot hole. The third movie is the god-awful worst of the trilogy, harboring the two worst cases of Deus ex Durrrr that I’ve ever seen. So it turns out Sandman killed Peter Parker’s uncle, and as a result, Peter gets revenge-crazy and tries to kill Sandman. Later on, Sandman confesses that he did kill Ben Parker, but it was an accident. He only shot Ben because his buddy shouted at him. And you know what, he was only stealing the money to save his daughter, who is dying of some terrible disease. As a result, everyone forgives him completely, the sky turns blue, upbeat music plays, and a rainbow rockets out of my ass. Durrrr.

Final, ultimate count of plot hole shenanigans. Near the end of the third movie where Spiderman faces off against a king-size Sandman and a pissed off Venom, Harry Osborne is sitting home alone and not helping. Early on, a wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time incident leads him to believe that Spiderman killed his father. Norman Osborne, the Green Goblin, tried to impale Spiderman from behind with his hovercraft. That would have actually impaled the both of them, judging from the force it hit Norman after Spiderman dodged out of the way thanks to his spider-sense. So basically, Harry’s dad killed himself, and Harry thinks Peter did it. In the second movie, he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, so there you go.

As I was saying, in the third movie, when Spiderman is getting a can of whoop-ass opened up all over his face, Harry is drinking alone. His butler comes in and says randomly, “Hey, by the way. I cleaned your dad’s wound, and it was his hovercraft that killed him. He definitely killed himself. Yup. I only tell you now because my magic plot powers say that I must. So yeah, go help Peter who you’ve hated for years because I haven’t said anything.” That’s, more or less, exactly what he said. Is that really the only way they could think of to get Harry to save Peter? Really? It’s like a giant middle finger to the audience! Gah, I’m done. That’s all I can take of these movies.

Oh, yeah. And why doesn’t the performance enhancing serum that made Norman turn into Green Goblin make Harry go insane as well? They both used it, yet it seems as though Harry is immune to going crazy. Wow. Hey, why not. Ponder that. Oh, and even if you do watch these terrible movies after reading this, you won’t be able to keep these little hiccups out of mind. Happy trails! Don’t watch them.