ComplainerMan

I’ll review the crap out of all of ‘em! Every last one of those grody little B-rated horror flicks! Most of them. One through four.  Which, now that I look at all the pathetic sequels, knock-offs, and crossovers, isn’t even most of them. Jeez. How many freakin’ movies can you make without realizing that they’re all lame? The answer, it would seem, is “A LOT.” So let’s get reviewing.

Friday the 13^th sets the standard for a whole lot of slasher movie clichés. They’ve got it all! Obligatory topless- even nude scenes, hanging, dismemberment, disembowelment, impalement, cutting people in half,  crushing skulls to make eyeballs pop out (in shitty 3D no less), and the most important rule of all… If you are a crappy horror movie chick who has had at least one partially or fully nude scene, you MUST leave the weapon you used to “kill” the killer next to his “dead” body. And to save him the trouble of picking it up, put it right next to his hand. Good show.

It’s so consistently bad that it falls into the unique category of so bad that it’s good. You watch it like a critic, you puke yourself and burn the VHS/DVD in public. You watch it like someone looking for a laugh, you have a grand old time then puke yourself laughing. … What? It’s a collection of B-movies! You’re gonna puke no matter who you are! These things are awful. Awfully good. Goodly awful!

And that’s the great part about these movies! You don’t need to be a huge famous actor/actress in order to get a part. You don’t even have to be good at acting. You just need to be able to act like an expendable horny stoner teenager, and who isn’t good at that, am I right? You just have a few beers before they start rolling, and bada-bing, you’re set to be a film star. Sorta.

Let’s go in-depth here and discuss some of the finer deaths in the Friday the 13^th series. Sure, Jason has a hardcore slash ‘em and stash ‘em habit, but he’s got his crowning moments of just too much. For example, in Friday the 13^th part II (maybe, it all blends together after the first twenty views), a guy doing a handstand for whatever reason gets cleaved in half! Whoa! Pretty sweet. Point being, Jason cut him down the middle, and he wound up horizontally chopped and stashed in a closet. Slash and stash!

Also amazing was the time Jason grabbed a hold of some guy’s head and squished it until his- well, to be completely accurate, he crushed a dummy head, and the eyeball was pushed out by a piston thing. It looked really fake, but it was in 3D so who gives two craps, right? Hilarious. Or how Jason harpooned a girl in the eyeball, and mysteriously the claylike skin around her eye seemed to wrap around the harpoon to hold it in place? Oh yeah. You don’t need good effects to be a badass. You’re Jason Voorhees, goddamnit.

While I would love to continue to reminisce about goodly bad movies long past, a little internet searching has informed me that there are a total of ten canon Friday the 13^th movies. In the tenth one, Jason is in space. He’s…. he’s in space. He’s literally up in a space ship, killing aliens with a high tech machete. What is with the space trend?! Hellraiser managed to get into space, so just what the hell is going-

Okay. Getting a little sidetracked. I’ll come clean with you, the popularity of these movies comes from the iconic character Jason Voorhees. You know, guy with the hockey mask, wears a jumpsuit, knows his way around the machete? If it weren’t for the fact that Jason was in the movies, and that he KEEPS. COMING. BACK, the series would have hit the ground hard and not have made it past number four.

I guess it goes to show that a little ugly chick boobage and a lot of grody, unrealistic looking horror scenes can make you filthy rich. Have fun puking richly while watching! Because oh, I know I did.