ComplainerMan

You know, Akira reminds me a lot of Chronicle, only with a much higher level of organization and chaos. It sounds contradictory, but it makes sense. I love this movie, so reviewing this will be a treat for both you and me. Unless, of course… one of us is squeamish. I certainly hope not. This movie isn’t for the faint of heart. Blood, partial nudity, harsh language, all very fitting of a post WWIII Japan dystopian setting: Neo-Tokyo.

Akira revolves around the lives of a gang of bikers, the Capsules. The two main bikers are Kaneda, the energetic enthusiastic outgoing leader, and Tetsuo, the never-does-it-right cowardly follower. Due to the military oppression in the city, there is a rebellion brewing that fights for less restrictive law. Due to the incredibly high organized crime rate in the city, the military absolutely refuses to let up. As such, things are pretty shitty for Kaneda’s gang.

Things get even shittier for Tetsuo, who crashes his in a freak incident to avoid hitting a strange little blue boy. To make matters worse and explain a few things, this blue boy is an esper, endowed with the ability to extend his willpower outside his own head. The science organization notices a similar trait in the dying Tetsuo, and decisively abducts him to begin experimentation. While Tetsuo exhibits the abilities of the other espers, he himself is much more hateful and saturated by vengeance. His days of cowardice and failure are over, and Kaneda is the first to notice Tetsuo’s radically altered personality. And, er, telekinetic abilities.

From that point on the primary concern of the military, the science organization, and even the rebellion, is the destruction or containment of the astronomically powerful esper Tetsuo. By interacting with the other espers, Tetsuo has learned of the existence of Akira, the first. Akira’s powers were said to be beyond anything anyone had ever predicted, which was seen by Tetsuo as a challenge. He does find Akira, but not as he was expecting to find him.

It’s around this part that I start to get a little sketchy. Supposedly, Akira’s powers are linked to universal genesis and symbolic and literal birth of matter. As Tetsuo’s madness escalates, so do his telekinetic powers, until a wavelength from him and the other espers brings back the avatar of Akira. At this point, not even satellite lasers can take down Tetsuo, who has begun a fatal physical transformation. He, uh… turns into a giant fetus, hen gets sucked into a psychic singularity. I really don’t know. Kaneda winds up being sucked inside and experiencing Tetsuo’s memories, until finally Akira and the espers collectively close the rift. The resulting carnage tears a hole over half the size of the entire dystopian city.

Akira is a very unusual movie, definitely not one that can be explained with ease. I mean, I think I did a pretty good overview of the plot, but the backstory presented all throughout is a little too intense to take in with one or two views. I’m serious. That said, it is also a landmark in the production of animated Japanese movies, its prestige matched only by its content quality. While it may be a little offensive at more than a few parts, it’s a very earnest movie with a consistent plot and quirky characters. Quirky meaning anything from damningly cheerful to blatantly homicidal. You’ll love it. I did.

Get your copy via whatever means you feel is the most convenient, watch it a few times while pondering just what the hell is going on, suddenly understand it, then go “OOOOOH!” That’s the plan. Enjoy.

Point of shame, it’s a movie based off a video game, and I have not played the video game.  On the bright side, that means I have a neutral perspective on the movie, and can provide to you all the unbiased truths that a fan or dissident of the games could not. So, with that out of the way, let’s dissect the ashy corpse of Silent Hill! Yeah!

This particular movie has what I like to call a view threshold. Depending on how many times you’ve seen the movie, it can have one or many of several impacts. Silent Hill specifically has three thresholds. Creepy (I don’t care how jaded you are, those babies are scary shit, man), badass (Pyramid goddamned Head), and preachy. On average… I’d say the first two views are creepy, the next three are badass, and from then on out it becomes annoyingly preachy. I’ll give a little plot rundown so you can better understand me.

Rose is the blondie of the movie. She’s not a dimbulb, thank god, and she even manages to pull off a moment of utter badass. Her adopted daughter, Sharon, has strange dreams about a place called Silent Hill. This is a ghost town with a history stained by death from a disastrous fire. A car accident on the way there knocks the both of them out, and when consciousness returns, Rose finds herself alone. A police officer who had been tailing her wound up in the ashy realm with her, so they both of them are stuck finding the way out. The bad news is, every once so often, an alarm goes off that seems to plunge Silent Hill into a nightmare.

I know this is all very abridged, but for the sake of my view threshold explanation and my issue with the movie’s preaching, here we go. Alessa is the darker side of Sharon, and a long time ago, Alessa was burned as a witch by a fanatical religious group based in Silent Hill. She survived, and her hatred allowed her to thrive, consuming her, the fanatics, and the whole of Silent Hill, burying it deeply within a place disconnected from the real world. Through faith, the fanatics kept the church a safe place from Alessa’s anger. But, as the viewer will see, things don’t go so well.

So, with that under your belt, I’ll explain the three thresholds. Threshold number one: creepy. First time in nightmare mode, things get really freaky. I actually quite like the visual effects implemented in this movie. Very good at evoking certain eerie emotions with very dark and complex visual aspects. However, as the nature of repetition goes, the scares lose their thrill twice in.

Second threshold, badassery. This is all on Pyramid Head and Rose’s exposition to the fanatics about the deluded depth of their devotion. Say that last part ten times fast? If and when you stop being creeped out by the ghostly pale nurse mannequins, the fist-sized beetles, and of course the wretched burnt up tweaked out babies, it all starts to look pretty awesome.

Finally, what you’ve been waiting for since the beginning: The preachy part. Silent Hill’s got some serious anti-religious sentiment in there, I can tell you that much. Of course, to remain speculatively allegorical, the religious fanatics are made out to be excessive in all ways. Brainwashed, bloodthirsty, and without reason nor mercy. Rose plays the iconoclast that would save them from their delusion, and she does this by killing them all horribly. Alessa rode into the church through Rose’s body and exacted revenge on all the cultists by murdering them with barbed wire. Yeah, that’s all fine, but what bothers me the most is all the goddamned talking. They talk, talk, talk and talk. Preaching, shouting, so on, so forth. You can’t un-notice it. Good news is, it takes a few views to start noticing. Or, you’ll start seeing it right off the bat because of this review.

That’s that! As I said, the movie’s really shock and show. Not a lot to it. Doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie, by any means. So go out, get it, watch it, and remember the number one rule: lights off. Enjoy.

Normally, I don’t care too much for Angelina Jolie. Most of the time, I don’t care too much about historical movies. Almost never do I find myself enjoying a “based off a true story” movie. Changeling? The ultimate exception, and I’ll tell you why. It’s all the emotion packed in there. Love and loss, fear, justice, desire for power and control, frustration; it’s more emotionally dynamic than a soap opera. Well, I’ve heard they can be rather emotional. I don’t watch them. They come off as rather boring and petty. But I digress.

The Hollywood interpretation of the story of Christine and Walter Collins was, to my great surprise, not far from the real events. Minimal Hollywood polishing! I know it’s not directly related to the quality of the movie, but the idea of a movie portraying events exactly as they are is unheard of. It deserved mention and a bit of respect, I believe.

This sad, desolate, yet hopeful little tale takes place in the 1920’s, revolving around the aforementioned mother and child, Christine and Walter Collins. One day after staying late at work, Christine comes home to find her son gone. Her neighbors are clueless, and the police are about as concerned as a dead guy. They give her twenty four hours before they start searching, but manage to find him in five months.

Mr. J.J. Jones gladly returns the boy to her, only to discover that, uh oh, it’s the wrong kid. But he’s in the big league, working for the (painfully corrupt) LAPD, and he’s not looking to be embarrassed. Following her denial of the kid being her son and her agreement to take him home on a trial basis, things really start to escalate.

After witnessing that “Walter” was circumcised, something that her son was not, and discovering that the imposter is three inches shorter, she approached Jones again. Jones was less than receptive to her troubles. His “help” this time around is offering to send a doctor over to review “Walter’s” condition. Under Jones’s orders, the doc explains that the drifter “Walter” was found with may have circumcised him for whatever reason, and that the trauma from the whole incident may have caused his spine to shrink. Hahah. No really. That’s what they said. Amazing what you could get away with back then.

The battle between Christine Collins and the LAPD rages on, while a seemingly unrelated deportation operation lands a detective headfirst into one of the most brutal crimes in the history of Las Angeles. The mystery of Walter’s disappearance begins to grow clearer and clearer as the detective pieces together one related event after another. … That was… kind of like reading the back of the DVD box of a mystery thriller. But don’t worry, it’s related. I can’t really say more, considering it’s sort of plot-essential and most definitely a spoiler.

You can’t go wrong with Changeling, really. It’s a lovely bit of nostalgic cinematic gold, offering satisfaction at the dissolution of the lies of the LAPD. As a movie with a gloomy tone, the end provides a powerful feel-good sense brought about by justice. And the smaller feel-good bit for wise-asses who realize the irony in the justice being brought to the justice system. You can ignore that last bit if you want. My final statement about this somber movie is that it is definitely worth seeing. Might be unpleasant due to the drawn-out injustice against Christine Collins, but worth it in the end. Go see it, get mad, get happy. Freak out. It’s awesome.

You’re allowed to judge me for the title. I had to do it. It fits so well.

I’m just gonna come out and say that this movie pisses me off while entertaining me. It’s like the worst of both worlds, yet the best. So I guess that makes it a paradoxical movie. Before I completely lose you, let me explain. I hate most of the characters in this movie, and I don’t like the setting, and I don’t like all the stupid logical fallacy crap. For example, when dodging a meteor, does one wait until the last second to fire the emergency thrusters, or does one fire them as quick as possible to get the hell out of there? Don’t answer. That said, the movie is consistently annoying. It pulls all the crap together and makes itself an entertaining crap ball! However, since I have nothing positive (and of substance) to say about this movie, the entire review will be me griping about every little thing. If you can dig it, I’ll dish it. Let’s get this horror show started.

It’s a military society. The bugs from outer space are launching meteors at humanity from the other side of the galaxy. How? Don’t ask. Don’t even. Every kid goes to school and learns how violence solves everything. Everyone grows up to be a soldier, or they just sit at home and rub their money on their faces. I don’t know.

Johnny Rico comes from a rich family, but he really sucks at school. He plays homo football where all the guys wear brightly colored leotards with puffy shoulders and helmets. His girlfriend, Carmen Ibanez, is very smart and good at math. She gets hit on by some guy with black hair. He’s a prick. Dizzy’s hot for Johnny’s Johnny, but Johnny’s got Carmen, so his Johnny’s jolly with her. Also, the blonde friend of Johnny who can do psychic stuff. I don’t… yeah. Anyways, those are the only important characters. The prick with black hair gets stabbed in the ass and dies, I shit you not. Let’s get onto the plot…

Rico’s dumb, so he applies for mobile infantry when it comes time to sign up. His parents totally disown him. Carmen becomes and pirate pilot, and pricky the black haired ass stalks her and becomes a pilot too. The psychic guy’s name is Carl, by the way, and his psychic power grants him access to becoming a part of the military intelligence. Go Carl.

The arachnids are the big bad bugs. Supposedly they colonize planets by hurling their spore into space, but you never see that nor hear it explained. They can, however, shoot plasma into space, throw rocks across the galaxy, and stab footsoldiers a whole bunch of times in a very happy fashion. There are winged variants, giant firebreathing beetle variants, and flower-assed plasma cannon crapping variants. Apparently, human colonization and arachnid colonization met head to head, and everybody got riled up and started killing the other.

Basically, everyone above Rico in rank keeps conveniently dying so he quickly rises to the tippy top and assumes the role of the hardened vet by the halfway mark of the movie. He keeps repeating lines that his dead officers once said, and that’s supposed to be sentimental or something, but it just makes him look like he’s playing monkey see, monkey do. Oh, nearly forgot. Carmen dumps Rico because she decides to go career pilot, and Rico goes “Oh… okay…” and makes sure they stay friends at the end of the movie. It’s all very lame.

Allow me to spare you two painful hours and tell you that the nude scene is not worth it. Not at all. The movie’s crap, and no matter how many boobs they throw in, that isn’t going to change. The extreme violence is okay. It’s the focus of the special effects, anyway. YEAH! WAR! GUNS! GROWLING AND SHOUTING!

Don’t even think of watching this unless you want to be mildly entertained and mostly annoyed. I mean, I sometimes feel like being mostly annoyed. Once in a blue moon. There are better war movies out there. Go away. Don’t watch this.

That’s more or less the only explanation there could be for this half-horror comedy of shock value. This movie will do one of two things, as it reaches so far into the extremes of visual nastiness. One, it’ll gross you out, but only if you’re high to high-moderate squeamish. Two, it’ll make you laugh your ass off. It’s like every single scene was written with this thought in mind: “Okay guys… What makes you throw up?”

I suppose I should describe the plot. Not like it matters in a film like this. Tiddle dee hee. Miss blondie main character girl does home loans or something. A NASTY old gypsy woman comes in and asks for an extension on hers, and blondie turns her down, saying that her credit history is bad or whatever, and that she’s going to lose the house. So the gypsy woman stalks her, steals one of the buttons from her shirt, puts a Satanic curse on it, then gladly gives it back. Blondie, being a complete dumbass, keeps the button and leaves.

Fast forward a bit, blondie starts having these violent hallucinations where the Gypsy woman keeps appearing before her and… eh… doing really nasty things. Like puking in her mouth and fisting her throat all the way up to the elbow. Hey! Get back here! Don’t you stop reading! I know you can see this. Just bear with me for a bit! Okay. Right. ANYWAYS, blondie decides that enough’s enough, and that she should go see the Gypsy woman in her home. You know, to say sorry and to make amends and try to get the old freak her home back. Turns out, the Gypsy woman died. Don’t ask me how, but somehow blondie manages to tip the open casket over and have dead Gypsy puke embalming fluid into her mouth. Hey, hey! Sit down. I’m still not done. Just, a few more paragraphs.

So blondie, now totally hopeless, goes to a fortune teller to see what’s in her future. The poor guy gets a full frontal blast of Satan’s goat face, so he turns her down and refunds her money. After a while, the fortune teller calls back and tells her about the potential Gypsy curse, which finally clues blondie in that her button is evil, and that she has to make a gift of it to ANYONE else. That way, they’ll be sucked into Hell instead of her. Simple, right? Nope.

Turns out blondie’s a real hardcore philanthropist. As in, she goes into a coffee shop, looking for a random person to afflict with damnation, and no matter who she sees, they appear happy with life and not deserving of the eternal flame. I forgot to mention, she has an asshole co-worker who she hates avidly. Yeah, no, she doesn’t give it to him either. She decides it’d be a better idea if she dug up the Gypsy woman and shoved it down her throat. Yeah, that constitutes a gift. Right…?

Moral of the story, it doesn’t work. Blondie thinks it does. She survives the deadline. Then her dumbass boyfriend somehow finds the button in her coat and hands it back to her. She gets dragged to Hell! Yeah! Epic unexpected conclusion!

Brass tacks are better late then never. The acting’s corny, the characters are unbelievable and flat, the special effects will make your brain hurt, the nasty factor will make you giggle… It’s a bad movie. But, as I always say, some movies are so goddamned bad that they actually loop around the spectrum and become quite entertaining to watch. So like, imagine that this movie is a desperate person with nothing but bad ideas, flailing about in pitiful hope that they can entertain you. That’s what Drag Me to Hell is.

Yeah! Awesome! Get this movie. Get it, I tell you! You made it this far, didn’t you? After all that mouth-puking stuff I described in vague detail, thankfully? Why not? Nothing to lose except your lunch. So buy it, torrent it, I don’t care. Watch it and have a laugh. Maybe you’ll even laugh so hard you’ll throw up. Maybe then they’ll let you act in the sequel! I hope there isn’t a sequel. Alright, I’m out.

I’m not too sure what to think of Tremors. It’s definitely a simplistic movie, and I know for a fact that I love it, but I’m not sure how one would really go about reviewing it. But I’m totally reviewing it, so here goes nothing!

Valentine McKee and Earl Basset are two handymen hanging around the stark Perfection Valley. With an environment like a desert surrounded by mountains on most sides, the place is pretty isolated and boring. Until a college girl studying seismology discovers some unusual readings all across the valley… Drilling or blasting? Nope, nothin’ like that around here, heh heh. So what the heck is it?

How about giant underground monsters? Hold that thought. Val and Earl are sick and tired of doing crap jobs in Perfection, so they decided to pack it up and move to Bixby. Good idea, right? They would have made it, if not for the discovery of a dead guy on a radio tower, withered away from dehydration. As they puzzle over what could have happened to have kept him up there until he died, clearer heads prevail and they decide to piss off to Bixby anyway. Only the one road there has been blocked off by a rockslide. … Damnit. Their truck gets hung up on something, and they head back to Perfection.

Turns out it was a great big orange blind snake thing. And a whole bunch of these little nasty things have been eating people and sheep all across Perfection. Looks like it’s time for Burt and Heather Gummer to shoot the crap out of every last one of those Snakeoids. Oh, pardon me. Graboids. Anyways, Burt and Heather go out shooting but don’t find anything.

As Val, Earl, and the college girl soon discover that the orange snakes aren’t the main problem here. The gigantic fricken leech-like creatures with huge pincer jaws and orange snake things for tongues are. A short (in actuality, very long) rest on a boulder allows them to figure out that the Graboids can only track via seismic vibrations. They pole vault to a truck and escape to warn everyone else, and the battle for Perfection begins.

In truth, it’s not really that epic. It’s just them playing “hot lava” with the ground and being really quiet. I mean, they wind up tricking one into ramming its face into a drainage canal, killing it violently. Then Burt and Heather wind up gunning one down after it smashes through their underground lounge after hearing their… bullet soldering thingy. A couple rounds from an elephant gun put it down. Score.

So, that’s about all I’m willing to (can) reveal about the plot. As I said, simple movie. It’s a cult classic, so it’s one of those flicks you can watch a few hundred times as an in-betweener for other stuff. Kinda like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, only without all the freaky perverted stuff that’s really just great. Tremors is a perfect movie for those “So, what do you want to watch? Uh, I dunno…” moods. It’s not the tippest of top in the entire movie industry, but it’s a nice little slice of enjoyable. So go watch it and wonder just what the Graboids actually smell like.

Do you have time for a symbolic and iconic political allegory in the form of a film adaptation of a political fiction comic? You… don’t? But it has Hugo Weaving- Ah, there we go. Welcome aboard. And just to save you the Google search, yes, Agent Smith is V. My mind was blown pretty badly. But I digress from the review-review aspect.

V for Vendetta (the movie) is an epic tale that’s meant to personify and denounce corruption, mindless compliance, and brutality, while glorifying absolute justice and iconoclastic change, all with undertones of anarchy. There’s more to glean from the movie, but I’m keeping it abridged for the sake of simplicity. In regards to simplicity, when addressing the complex nature of political evil and compressing it into a two hour movie, you tend to super-focus the extremes.

The setting is the future Great Britain, ruled by the High Chancellor Adam Sutler. His legacy is one of blood and deceit; after having secretly created a super-virus capable of eliminating entire countries, he chooses to release it upon his own. Soon after, he produces a perfect cure for the virus and distributes it to every last person in order to, shall we say, “grease the wheels” come election time. A small group of religious extremists are utilized as a cover story. They plead guilty and are executed for Sutler’s crime against humanity.

Nobody knows this except for V, the special subject in the St. Mary’s medical research facility where the virus was born. His body reacted to the virus by making him a physical powerhouse; strong, agile, durable, more than capable of taking down eight armed men at once. His goal is to remove the corrupt Adam Sutler and his council, ultimately resetting the political workings of Great Britain in one swift movement.

Evey Hammond, a worker for the British Television Network, daughter of two now-dead political activists (killed by the government she now lives under), becomes a major part to V’s scheme after encountering some late-night curfew officers on her way to the house of Gordon Deitrich. The first significant act in his plan is to blow up the Old Bailey, which he does in the presence of Evey. Things take a turn for the worst as both she and V are hunted by the government as terrorists and villains. The chain of events leading up to the revolutionary conclusion of the movie is grim and powerful, a little hard not to pay attention to. Political activism, social commentary, or perhaps graceful displays of voilence? No shortage of this here.

I should mention that the movie is vastly different from the comics, character personality and plot-wise. It’s passed through the Hollywood filter, which would have any fan of the original comics livid. Movie V is more of a romance-ish kinda guy who values human life. Comic V is a relentless man driven by revenge, willing to slaughter anyone who impedes his goal. The movie Adam Susan is obviously evil by his acts and behavior. Comic Adam Susan is more developed and rational, veering from the “obligatory evil oppressive dictator” genre. Some other noteworthy tweaks are present as well, such as the roles of Gordon Deitrich and much of the Norsefire party.

So, what I’m saying here is, the comics and the movie have a parallel universe quality complex. The movie is good, but it’s not the best adaptation of the comic. The comic is great, but the prime of the tone and message are distorted in the movie; dumbed down, I suppose. That said, the movie is still worth watching. I’m no avid reader of the V for Vendetta comics, and I found the movie to be very enjoyable out of context. Regardless of what it lacks and what it changes, it’s got politically and morally profound qualities that aren’t so common in movies today. Far from a waste of time.

A word of warning to the younger generations: This is an old movie. I mean, REALLY old. Jack Nicholson is pretty young in this one. Also, it’s a Stephen King movie, and those are usually hit or miss, so I just thought I’d let you know.

That said, however, The Shining has got to be one of the best horror novel film adaptations I’ve ever seen. It uses elements of isolation and macabre surreality to create a psychological thriller under the guise of a horror flick. Due to the book to film compression, some of the plot aspects become rather obligatory, thus lose some of their suspenseful thrill. The foreshadowing becomes much more conspicuous when not presented alongside several other secondary plot aspects.

A bit of background on The Shining, though. The story revolves around the illustrious and fictional Overlook Hotel in Colorado. During the winter, a caretaker must remain there in isolation to keep everything fit and functional when guests begin to arrive again in spring. In Jack Torrance’s interview with the hotel manager Stewart Ullman, he discovers that the last caretaker succumbed to cabin fever and murdered his family, then soon after killed himself. That, coupled with the disclosure that Jack is a rehabilitated alcoholic, kind of clues the audience in that Jack’s gonna be the next one to go nuts.

HOWEVER.

Ol’ Stephen King’s not so willing to leave it so simple. As it turns out, the Overlook Hotel was constructed on top of an ancient Indian burial ground (King’s answer to all spirit matters) and as such is home to myriad malevolent spirits. To add to that, Jack’s son Danny is gifted with an incredible psychic power called The Shining, that allows him to read minds and see things that normal people can’t see. Addressed in the book though not the movie, the Overlook spirits desire to absorb Danny’s powerful Shining in order to augment their own power for an unspoken purpose.

This leaves Jack’s wife, Wendy Torrance, as the only non-Shining, non insane character left in the Overlook. While Danny begin to notice Jack’s growing madness and the ill will lingering about the hotel with relative ease, Wendy doesn’t begin to notice until Jack is almost entirely gripped. Soon after this point, the spirits begin to manifest and take more direct action against the family, with Jack as their weapon.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of an axe-wielding maniac, and the phrase, “Here’s Johnny!” shouted through a broken door. The Shining was the movie that canonized these little horror flick concepts into fame and glory. It was, after all, a very well known horror movie in its time.

I do have some grievances with the movie The Shining, though. A few things that could have been done better, the book-to-movie negatives already factored in. There was no turbulence shown between Jack and Wendy’s marriage, and the character Dick Hallorann is merely an expendable secondary who gives Danny Torrance a cautionary tale about the evil room 217, and a lesson on his Shining ability. When I say expendable, I mean he dies. You won’t miss him. In the book, his role is pivotal and aids to the conclusion of the tale. In the movie, he’s just another face.

Those negatives pointed out, I don’t think that they’re prominent enough to drag my opinion of The Shining down. For an older horror movie with only marginal effects, everything settles well, from aesthetics to characterization. You really can’t go wrong with horror classics, I think, especially with a “shining” example like th- Hah, sorry. Couldn’t keep a straight face with such a crappy pun. Go watch the Shining and crap yourself when you get to the part with the dead woman in the tub. I saw that part when I was bloody five. Had me scared of bathtubs for weeks. Really great.

Satan made a bunch of devils that do really nasty things to humanity. Blair Witch Project spawned a series of god-awful (pardon the pun) shit shockumentaries that do even worse things to humanity. So which is worse? You be the judge.

In all seriousness, the Blair Witch Project was actually a very good movie, using cinematic gambits uncommon to most films at the time. The movie was meant to seem real; everything that happened in the movie could happen in real life. The cameras bounced and bobbled, the characters were crude and informal, and the film student scenes were overly dramatic and ironically funny. It really did seem like the whole thing was the result of a film project gone horribly wrong.

The premise of the movie is exceedingly simple, the effects are primitive, but the overall impact the movie has on its watchers is strong. It scares you, because it looks like you’re watching a home movie. Three students, Heather, Mike, and Josh, go into the woods looking for a graveyard so they can shoot a scene for their documentary about folklore. They hear about the Blair Witch a bit in town, but not enough to deter them from carrying on. As the days in the woods progress, they begin to notice strange occurrences, such as piles of rocks placed around their tent, little wooden stickmen hanging from trees, and eventually… Things get much worse.

Something attacks them in their tent. Josh goes missing. They find a derelict house in the middle of the woods, and the horrific conclusion is reached. What was it? What had audiences tense in their seats, goosebumped and staring? Was the legend of the Blair Witch true? You can’t know until you see the movie. And just so you know, a disturbing number of viewers didn’t know if the movie was real or not for the longest time. It started the shockumentary craze for a reason.

There really isn’t a lot to say about the movie itself, what with it being modeled after real life from a horror perspective, so I’ll reveal a little bit of the movie’s making. The three actors were placed in the town of Blair with money and instructions on how to do their documentary. They didn’t know the people they interviewed, they didn’t have an exact plan. True to the basic nature of the shockumentary, they were only there to wing it and react when the horror aspects kicked in.

During the “lost in the woods” portion of the movie, the actors were only given a water bottle, an energy bar, and an apple each day. What the director was going for was realistic fear that could only be seen through systematically wearing down the actors through eerie events and slight starvation. All of it was true to the movie, and in the conclusion, Heather actually wound up hyperventilating for a solid half hour after the final scene was filmed. That’s not something every movie can say of itself, that its actors legitimately experienced the emotions that they were meant to portray. That’s what made it so frightening the first time it was shown. It’s easy to recognize cinema fear from real fear, and any moviegoer who went to the first showing would recognize that in an instant in the Blair Witch Project.

Now, I’m not saying this movie will appeal to everyone. It is a different take on the cinema. I’m just saying that it’s a unique and creative movie with charm and a sense of sincerity. If you feel like giving it a try, go for the DVD version. That way you can listen to the commentary and see how everything worked. It’s fascinating how they went about the making of the Blair Witch Project; it gives you a better perspective on the first shockumentary, and really helps you appreciate just how much work went into production. Do enjoy yourself, and try not to be bothered by how many times the fuck word is used. It’s realistic. Don’t hate.

Maybe it’s because my family a couple of generations back is from the general area where the movie True Grit is set, but I just couldn’t get past the dialog. It was OK for the first minutes of the movie when the narrator was apparently reading a letter she had written, describing the murder of her father. You don’t expect people to use contractions when writing letters. They do use them when they speak though. But not in this  movie.

My guess is that all these Civil War documentaries, where the narrative consists of the reading of historical correspondence, is supposed to be how people talked back in those days. The director possibly saw this a making the movie seem more authentic. This device apparently worked on the majority of viewers, because I didn’t see any mention of this horribly unnatural, awkward dialog in the reviews prior to my wasting a couple of hours on this movie.

Again, maybe it was because my grandpa, who was born and raised in Indian Territory, in the Choctaw Nation where this movie took place, didn’t sound like a person reading a letter, that I found the dialog of this movie unnatural and disturbing.  I just couldn’t get past how the roughest, toughest, uneducated, criminal hombres sound like they area reading a poorly written book instead of conversing.

Besides the horrible dialog, the movie is OK. Jeff Bridges is a great actor, and he can pull the character off without bringing too much notice too the crap is given to say. Matt Damon is ok too, but the little girl and the rest of the actors stink to high heaven. Not to say they are bad actors. They are just unable to rise above such a poor script as are extremely talented an accomplished actors.

The climax of the movie happens fast and unexpectedly, and is a bit of a disappointment. That might be because I was entertaining myself and annoying my wife by looking for slip-ups, when the actors actually used contractions. They are few and far between, but they’re there.

Now I have to watch the original “True Grit” starring John Wayne to cleanse my palate of this debacle. If you want to see how bad movie dialog can be, you may want to satisfy your morbid curiosity and watch an hour or so of this movie. Take it from me though, the ending isn’t worth watching the whole thing.