ComplainerMan

It’s like a parody of the song, “I Am Iron Man,” so you… get like the… nevermind. Let’s get reviewing.

Iron Man (Two-Disc Ultimate Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray]

Somewhere, someone in the world said, “Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Making Robert Downey Jr. fly around in a robot suit blowing up bad guys.” Jimminy cripes did that person have the right idea. I mean, I’m a huge fan of sci-fi and robotics myself, but what actually drew me to the movie wasn’t the Iron Man suit. It was the character of Tony Start, played by our own Robert Downey Jr. Seriously, the guy is hilarious and badass at all the right times. He’s an exuberant lady-killing billionaire, and he maintains world peace all by himself. It takes a whole lot of cool to pull that off.

So how does this story begin? Does Tony Stark just sit in his garage one day and think, “Wow, I’d like to make a robot suit that can save the world from literally any global terror. Yup, let’s get started.” While that might be in-character for him to do, it isn’t what happens. The real course of events is much darker.

In the beginning of the movie, our hero is riding a military convoy back from giving a weapons presentation of his new-fangled Jericho missile. During the ride, he cracks some jokes, makes some friends, then is blown up by one of his own weapons and kidnapped by a militaristic organization known as the Ten Rings. Cut back several hours to explain how he got there in the first place. So how does this have anything to do with the Iron Man suit? Is it even an important part of the plot?

Yes. It’s extremely relevant. During his capture, he takes a load of shrapnel to the chest, and is saved by man named Yinsen, who attaches an electromagnet to his chest to keep the shrapnel from reaching his heart. The captors give them time to get acquainted, then get down to business. They demand one of the Jericho missiles Tony Stark recently presented, and they will then be released upon its completion (no they won’t). Rather than do what they say, Tony creates a mini-arc generator that he replaces his battery with, and following that, he builds a prototype robot suit out of scrap in order to escape. His plan succeeds, and upon his return, he makes some drastic changes to his company. What are these changes, you may wonder? What indeed…

Iron Man is one of the few movies based on comics that manages to blend realistic and science fiction so well. In Spiderman, the sketchy plot was true to the original comic, but as a result of the realistic twist, full of holes. And no one likes Superman, because he cheats and is boring. Iron Man’s apparent success followed through into the sequel, but I won’t get into that because this is a review of the first movie. Suffice it to say the sequel was just as successful, interesting, and entertaining.

In regards to shortcomings, there really isn’t a lot that was conspicuously wrong with Iron Man. The plot flowed well, the character development was consistent, the visual effects were aesthetically appealing, and overall, the movie’s feel was a positive one. And best of all, the ending to the movie was genius. I can’t say what it is, but I guarantee you’ll be pleased how Iron Man strays from the typical superhero movie.

This entire thing is me bashing the Spiderman trilogy, so if you really like Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, then… go away. I have two- three- f- many main problems with these movies. Primary directive: making a very unrealistic comic as realistic as possible is not a good idea. Plot holes will (did) arise.

The first one was forgivable. A genetically modified spider escaped from its case and nobody noticed. That spider’s probably worth a whole lot of money. Following its escape, it lands on Peter Parker’s hand and bites him for no reason. No threat, no pressure. But hey, if that didn’t happen, there wouldn’t be Spiderman, so okay. Fine.

A little early for an interlude, but it seems like every time Peter is in some “deep quandary,” everyone around him starts vomiting up life-changing advice. It’s like he gives them their philosophical gag reflex after jamming his stupid problems down their throats. Is that a spider power? Who knew!

Moving on. I’ll note that the first Spiderman movie managed to hold the plot together well, and it was the corny acting that bothered me the most. When the second movie came around, things started to get bad. For example: Why did Otto Octavius need arms that had extremely advanced, self-aware A.I. if his only use for them was to push miniature solar flares back into place? And isn’t it kind of disappointing that they didn’t even do their job right? The freakin’ things were responsible for the death of his wife! Then they turned him into an evil psychopath! What?!

Second interlude. Peter Parker in this Spiderman trilogy reminds me of George W. Bush. An educated person, but completely mentally incompetent. No political commentary, just making a comparison. Think about it, though. He likes Mary Jane, but he keeps pushing her away because he’s afraid his enemies will find out about her and kill her. But wait, isn’t that what his “secret identity” gimmick is all about? Despite this, he dumps her again and again as if the prospect of actually dating her would be tantamount to stabbing her in the eye. When he does finally grow the balls to propose, he does it as her acting career is failing, and after he publicly made out with another woman (as Spiderman) using the specific upside-down kiss that Mary Jane associates with him. And then he freaks out when she says no! Spiderman… you’re dumb.

Okay, next plot hole. The third movie is the god-awful worst of the trilogy, harboring the two worst cases of Deus ex Durrrr that I’ve ever seen. So it turns out Sandman killed Peter Parker’s uncle, and as a result, Peter gets revenge-crazy and tries to kill Sandman. Later on, Sandman confesses that he did kill Ben Parker, but it was an accident. He only shot Ben because his buddy shouted at him. And you know what, he was only stealing the money to save his daughter, who is dying of some terrible disease. As a result, everyone forgives him completely, the sky turns blue, upbeat music plays, and a rainbow rockets out of my ass. Durrrr.

Final, ultimate count of plot hole shenanigans. Near the end of the third movie where Spiderman faces off against a king-size Sandman and a pissed off Venom, Harry Osborne is sitting home alone and not helping. Early on, a wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time incident leads him to believe that Spiderman killed his father. Norman Osborne, the Green Goblin, tried to impale Spiderman from behind with his hovercraft. That would have actually impaled the both of them, judging from the force it hit Norman after Spiderman dodged out of the way thanks to his spider-sense. So basically, Harry’s dad killed himself, and Harry thinks Peter did it. In the second movie, he finds out that Peter is Spiderman, so there you go.

As I was saying, in the third movie, when Spiderman is getting a can of whoop-ass opened up all over his face, Harry is drinking alone. His butler comes in and says randomly, “Hey, by the way. I cleaned your dad’s wound, and it was his hovercraft that killed him. He definitely killed himself. Yup. I only tell you now because my magic plot powers say that I must. So yeah, go help Peter who you’ve hated for years because I haven’t said anything.” That’s, more or less, exactly what he said. Is that really the only way they could think of to get Harry to save Peter? Really? It’s like a giant middle finger to the audience! Gah, I’m done. That’s all I can take of these movies.

Oh, yeah. And why doesn’t the performance enhancing serum that made Norman turn into Green Goblin make Harry go insane as well? They both used it, yet it seems as though Harry is immune to going crazy. Wow. Hey, why not. Ponder that. Oh, and even if you do watch these terrible movies after reading this, you won’t be able to keep these little hiccups out of mind. Happy trails! Don’t watch them.