ComplainerMan

Yeah, you know where this is going. After all, there’s only two ways to go when reviewing this freakin’ movie. I’ll either say, “Gee whiz, that movie sure looked good! I mean, the plot was really simple, but look at all the work they put into the special effects!” or I’ll say, “Avatar was a colossal waste of time, just like Tron. All smoke and mirrors with no substance. What it lacks in originality it makes up for in a plight for gratuitous visual appeal.” It’s a harrowing road, so I’ll do it from both angles! Hey alright. Let’s get this party started.

First of all… yeah, it is Pocahontas. Jake Sully is John Smith, Neytiri is Pocahontas, and the people of the Resources Development Administration are the evil Brits who are looking for Unobtanium/gold. The hero comes in ignorant and foolhardy, then he comes to learn just what an amazing world the tribal people live in, and he meets a girl. A whole new world~ But oh no, it turns out the people the main hero was rolling with want to destroy the tribal people for material gain! The bad guys start to win, then the main hero calls upon the strength of the forest, which comes to life and keeps itself from industrialization. Deus ex machina, more or less. And that’s uh… that’s the plot. All of it. Yup.

But hey, they have like a million “whole new world~” montages where Jake Sully learns of the beauty of the planet Pandora, and the ways of the Na’vi people, the spirituality of life, and then you start to puke rainbows. Appeal to pathos and a statement of anti-xenophobia? You bet your butt! The method’s a little half-assed, considering the movie blatantly states that humans are greedy, merciless assholes that’ll do anything to get what they want while killing anyone who gets in their way.

At this point, I’m really struggling to come up with non-filler for this Avatar review. I suppose I could talk about how good the visuals look… I said I’d approach from both angles, so I might as well. The creatures on Pandora are exotic and colorful, the technology the RDA uses is badass industrial, the Na’vi themselves look interesting enough with their little pink noses and their hair-tentacle things. Just about everything looks great except for the teeth. I mean, seriously, when Sigourney Weaver’s avatar smiles, you look at the teeth and go, “What. Alien planet, alien body, and a bleach-white Hollywood grin? That’s depressing.”

Hold the phone! I’ve just stumbled upon a conspiracy theory. If all the Na’vi and the avatars have bright white 1-800-DENTIST smiles, then maybe they’re secretly a part of the RDA’s plot. Maybe they’ve fallen for the flying holographic adverts the RDA flew around Pandora. Think about it: Do you ever see Na’vi cleaning their teeth? Do you? No! Then why are their teeth so bright freaking white? They don’t even look real.

Oh, wait. Maybe the 3D team just didn’t really think that one through. I mean, that is a really difficult thing to deal with in movies. Y’know, proper hygienics. You want your characters to look good, even if they don’t primp themselves to the extent that would justify their in-movie beauty.

Anyway.

That’s about all I’ve got. I covered the absolute basics then talked about teeth. Hell, it’s a simple movie. I wouldn’t recommend seeing it, honestly. It looks good, I guess. You might get a kick out of it if you’re easily dazzled by speshul FX.

It’s like a parody of the song, “I Am Iron Man,” so you… get like the… nevermind. Let’s get reviewing.

Iron Man (Two-Disc Ultimate Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray]

Somewhere, someone in the world said, “Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Making Robert Downey Jr. fly around in a robot suit blowing up bad guys.” Jimminy cripes did that person have the right idea. I mean, I’m a huge fan of sci-fi and robotics myself, but what actually drew me to the movie wasn’t the Iron Man suit. It was the character of Tony Start, played by our own Robert Downey Jr. Seriously, the guy is hilarious and badass at all the right times. He’s an exuberant lady-killing billionaire, and he maintains world peace all by himself. It takes a whole lot of cool to pull that off.

So how does this story begin? Does Tony Stark just sit in his garage one day and think, “Wow, I’d like to make a robot suit that can save the world from literally any global terror. Yup, let’s get started.” While that might be in-character for him to do, it isn’t what happens. The real course of events is much darker.

In the beginning of the movie, our hero is riding a military convoy back from giving a weapons presentation of his new-fangled Jericho missile. During the ride, he cracks some jokes, makes some friends, then is blown up by one of his own weapons and kidnapped by a militaristic organization known as the Ten Rings. Cut back several hours to explain how he got there in the first place. So how does this have anything to do with the Iron Man suit? Is it even an important part of the plot?

Yes. It’s extremely relevant. During his capture, he takes a load of shrapnel to the chest, and is saved by man named Yinsen, who attaches an electromagnet to his chest to keep the shrapnel from reaching his heart. The captors give them time to get acquainted, then get down to business. They demand one of the Jericho missiles Tony Stark recently presented, and they will then be released upon its completion (no they won’t). Rather than do what they say, Tony creates a mini-arc generator that he replaces his battery with, and following that, he builds a prototype robot suit out of scrap in order to escape. His plan succeeds, and upon his return, he makes some drastic changes to his company. What are these changes, you may wonder? What indeed…

Iron Man is one of the few movies based on comics that manages to blend realistic and science fiction so well. In Spiderman, the sketchy plot was true to the original comic, but as a result of the realistic twist, full of holes. And no one likes Superman, because he cheats and is boring. Iron Man’s apparent success followed through into the sequel, but I won’t get into that because this is a review of the first movie. Suffice it to say the sequel was just as successful, interesting, and entertaining.

In regards to shortcomings, there really isn’t a lot that was conspicuously wrong with Iron Man. The plot flowed well, the character development was consistent, the visual effects were aesthetically appealing, and overall, the movie’s feel was a positive one. And best of all, the ending to the movie was genius. I can’t say what it is, but I guarantee you’ll be pleased how Iron Man strays from the typical superhero movie.

What do you get when you mix two genres, 20 gimmicks from past movies and a semi-star-studded cast. Poop Soup! That really stinks. This movie started off well enough as a Western, or at least you could see potential in the first 1/2 hour. Then the seams started to show in Daniel Craig’s accent and performance. Unless he was trying to portray an anal retentive cowboy outlaw with no personality. The fitted clothing and a cowboy hat with a touch of Austrian mountain guide panache made the awkwardness complete.

Olivia Wilde didn’t screw up here role as the odd, bra-less female gunslinger/transient whose presence in each scene is an enigma, and who is actually an alien and gets nude. Harrison Ford started off playing a slightly different character than he does in every other movie he is in, but slipped back into “the Harrison Ford thing” by the end of the movie. Sam Rockwell simply couldn’t rise above the material.

What started off as a trite and slightly off-tempo western quickly became a lame science fiction flick that tried too hard. The CGI aliens were some of the most inexplicable creatures I’ve ever scene in a movie. These guys were large, muscular, reptilian monsters that could run like cheetahs and either run you through with their fingernails or bite you in the neck.  They could also run up walls. Rock faces… not so much. They had to walk around the path like a regular guy to get the people up on the rocks.  They were apparently not able to function too well in the light.  Such advanced space-faring creatures could have at least invented sunglasses. Once they got into the light though, they didn’t appear to need them. In fact I think the director forgot about the whole “not so good in the light” thing for those scenes.

The lamest part of the aliens were their chests. If they had a person down, and didn’t feel like biting their neck or running them through with their fingernails, their chest would open up and a pair of gooey hands would come out of their guts and fondle their victim’s face. Gross! If their prey wasn’t completely disgusted into a state a paralysis, however, the would-be victim could just stab their alien attacker in their exposed internal organs. One poke was enough to instantly kill the hastily-designed creature.

So after almost two hours of painful plot and dialog, Olivia Wilde’s character turns suicide bomber and destroys the mother ship. “Thank god!” I thought. This movie is finally over.